Let Positivity Invade Your Marriage

One would think when you spend a lot of time with another person, you wouldn’t get irritated with them, because you know them so well. However, that kind of intimacy can lead us to be more relaxed and comfortable with that person, often making us feel justified in judging or labeling them as immature, irresponsible, self-centered, or whatever else the case may be. 

 
In my 20 years of life, I have formed a few strong friendships. I have been friends with some of these girls since we were 6 years old, going to church and school together. Let’s face it, we aren’t perfect. We have all been irritated at one another at one point or another over the years. However, we didn’t let these little mishaps grow into bitterness and resentment.

As an example;

*Beginning of some random high school class*

Friend: “Hey Emily! How are you?”

Emily: “Fine.”

Friend: “Everything okay?”

Emily: “Yup.”

Friend: “Okay…”

 
Okay, so this can go one of two ways. Let’s see what way it would go if we didn’t have a healthy, strong friendship:

*Friend thinks*: Wow Emily is being really short with me today. She does this all the time, with no explanation, and I am sick of it. Two can play at that game. I’m not going to talk to her either, and see how she likes it.

            

See how she has chosen to label me, because of my actions, and this now has created more contention than necessary?

Now let’s look at what would happen in a healthy relationship:

            *Friend thinks*: Wow, Emily is being really short with me today. I wonder if that huge test she had been studying for went okay? She must not want to talk about it right now. I will leave her be for a bit, and try again later.

            *Some time passes *

            Friend: “Hey, you okay?”

            Emily: “Yeah, I just bombed that test I took and needed some time to let it sink in. Thanks for not pushing me.”

            Friend: “I thought that might have been what was going on. Want to talk about it?”

 
Because we had worked really hard on our friendship beforehand, my friend was able to see that I wasn’t trying to be rude, but that sometimes when I am upset I need a little bit of time before I can talk about it. If she had gone the other way of thinking, it could have been really hard on our friendship. 

What does this have to do with marriage? John Gottman wrote; “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.”  

He goes on to talk about a concept introduced by Robert Wess called “positive sentiment override.” This basically means that there is so much positivity in the marriage going back and forth between spouses, that they expect to have positive experiences with one another, and they more often give one another the benefit of the doubt when hard situations come up. My friend could have not given me this benefit. Instead, because all of the positivity we both had practice with in our relationship, she knew that I wasn’t acting quiet because I was a brat. She knew I was acting that way, because something was really bothering me. 

When we don’t have this positive sentiment override, we begin to “replay” everything that has happened thus far, and put emphasis on the bad memories, and “minimize” the good, which makes whatever challenge (big or small) that is presented to us seem so much more life changing than it should be.  

So, what can be done? Obviously if it is a habit to think pessimistically about your spouse’s actions, then it will take a bit of practice giving them the benefit of the doubt, but you can do it! 

Research shows that in a strong relationship, there are “five positive interactions for each negative interaction.” People normally only perform two positive actions for every negative.  

For example, if you were to respond to your spouse in a blunt manner to a question asked, then you both should try to have at least five positive interactions. You could, give each other a kiss goodbye, compliment her hair, compliment his tie, cook dinner together, and have a dance party in your living room. These may seem silly and simplified, but when you just had all that fun, are you really going to be thinking about that small negative interaction? 

So, while you are trying to break bad habits and form new ones, make yourself create five positive actions for every negative one that you and your spouse encounter. Be strict with yourself about the amount of positive interactions, because if you keep it up, these interactions will become more normal natural. 

Like I said before, we are all imperfect human beings who make mistake, so don’t let yourself get down and stop trying. Realize your mistake, and try again. Once that positive sentiment override begins to get stronger and stronger, it will become easier and easier to overlook little mistakes.  

Now that you know what positive sentiment override is, how have you used it in your own life? Can you think of a situation where someone else used it with you?

If you are interested in researching this resource for yourself, here is the link to learn more about the book:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work 

Humility Is Your Strongest Skill

“Even in our healthiest relationships we sometimes get into arguments, have bad feelings, or push for what we want in ways that hurt people we care about.”

When you argue with your spouse, or really anyone, what is your goal? To win? To prove you and your opinions are superior to the opposing view? To tear the other down, because it is only then that you can feel success?

It is hard to remember that we are all cut from a different cloth – especially when arguing. We all have our own personal biases, and our own personal pride, that make it hard for us to open our eyes and see things from another’s view point.

Yes, the fact that none of us completely agree with another is well known and understood. However, it is even harder to remember when it comes to our spouse. They are the person we love, the person we chose to be with for the rest of our lives, our best friend… shouldn’t they have the same views as us? Shouldn’t they understand our viewpoints way better than everyone else? It is a little betraying when someone we are so close to, and trust so much, disagrees with us. We know the feeling is a bit irrational, but it is there all the same.

The University of Arkansas’s Cooperative Extension Program published a document entitled; Getting Our Hearts Right, in which they discuss this topic. The authors suggest humility, as a tool to “open our hearts.” A lot of people assume that those who are humble, are weak, shy or subordinate to those who can be described as confident. “Don’t be so humble” is a phrase I hear thrown around when I accomplish something. Humility is not weakness though.

Getting Our Hearts Right defines humility as; “the recognition that our needs matter, but so do the needs of others, the readiness to admit that we do not have a complete understanding of the truth, and a willingness to admit that we make mistakes.”

Does that sound weak? By their definition, humility sounds pretty strong to me. In fact, it sounds really terrifying to me. Some of my hardest experiences have been admitting that I was wrong. Even if I wasn’t wrong, I sometimes have to take a step back and ask myself – do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?

I have always struggled with the concept that if I want change in a relationship, it is my job to do it. Why is it my job to implement change? Why not the other person?

Then I have to remind myself that my choices, words, and actions are on me. If I am fighting with someone, and the relationship I have with them is more important to me than being right, I have to be the one to slow down and show some humility. I have found that when I take a step back and stop forcing my own views and biases on the other person, they usually calm down as well and we can continue the conversation more peaceful than before.

Then something really amazing happens – we are both more willing to listen to the other and we actually make progress in figuring out our disagreement instead of a constant loop of back and forth opinions that get us nowhere in the end.

When we have humility, it makes it much easier to compromise our position, and desires. Dr. John Gottman says that if you want compromise to work in your marriage, you can’t close your eyes to your spouse’s opinions. Agreeing with everything they do, think, and say is not a requirement of compromise, but considering your loved one’s view point is.

So, when you and your spouse have a disagreement, what should be your goal? To try to understand their point of view? To attempt to find a solution that works for both of you?

Marriage is about give and take, back and forth. What would be the point of joining your life with another person, if you both dig your heels in at every point of disagreement? Humility is not an easy trait to have, but it is not a trait that is impossible to attain – especially when we are gaining that quality for that person that we love, and trust so much.

What about you? Have you had any experiences where humility helped you in your marriage?

If you want to learn more, check out these resoucres used in the article above!

Getting Our Hearts Right

Seven Principles for Making Marriage Right

What Kind of Friendship Do You Have?

Whenever people I know get engaged they almost always say; "I am so excited to marry my best friend!" This is such a romantic notion - falling in love with, and marrying your best friend. Couples always tell me the importance of forming a friendship before dating someone. But what kind of friendship?

Aristotle wrote about three different kinds of friendships. The first two are advantage and pleasure friendships.

Advantage: This is where you are friends with another person, because you both benefit from the relationship. Even if these advantages remain "unspoken."

Pleasure: You just like spending time with each other! The other person's company is nice, and makes you happy!

The problem with these two forms of friendships is that once the advantage goes away, or that person isn't as "pleasurable" to be around anymore, what happens? Your friendship fizzles out, and you no longer make an effort to be around that person anymore.

What happens when you marry this friend?

The third friendship Aristotle described is called a "Character Friendship."

Blaine J. Fowers, author of Beyond the Myth of Marital Happiness, wrote in his book about Aristotle's different versions of friendship, and he described a character friendship as having three "qualities." You can achieve a character friendship with another person by having a shared understanding of your values, recognizing each other’s good qualities, and using teamwork to achieve your shared goals (pp 127-128).

Shared Values, Shared Goals: One thing that is sure to bring two people together is a shared passion. Through that shared passion comes shared goals that character friendships work together to accomplish. These goals don't have to be huge and grand, like ending world hunger (although if that is your goal, go for it!).

Fowers said; "When a couple is devoted to life projects that transcend their relationship, they incorporate a much stronger and more stable form of commitment than what is available only through emotional involvement." (pp. 134) Having strong, common goals that you are both passionate about bonds you with another person in a better way as opposed to being together because it is simply nice or convenient.

Everybody's Got Good Qualities: When you spend a lot of time with a person, you begin to recognize the good about them. It is through this time that those deep, and good qualities begin to emerge and become solidified in your eyes. For example, a shared goal that my own parents have is to raise their children to become good people. Obviously my brother and I are not perfect, and when we act… less perfect, my dad approaches us with a very calm demeanor. My mom has told me that this is something she sees in my dad, especially after 35 years of marriage. His peaceful personality is a trait she has come to love dearly about him.

Fowers says; "In these marriages [where the spouses have a character friendship], the couple's identity is strongly imbued with the idea that the spouses are in a partnership that may involve some sacrifice but that helps give their marriage greater meaning and strength." (pp 135-136)

Teamwork: In school, we were all asked to work in a group with our fellow students to complete a task. We were either the lazy kid who didn't do anything, or the over achiever kid who did all the work. This doesn't happen in a character friendship, and can't happen in a marriage. Because you share common goals, and you see the good in each other, you want to work together to achieve the shared goals you have. The way you and your partner split up the work varies from couple to couple, depending on what is valued by each person. Fowers says; "The particular arrangement of who does what is often less important than the shared understanding of what needs to be done and of how each person can contribute" (pp 137). 

Having a character friendship with your spouse does not mean that your marriage will be spared from the common trials and tests of life. It does mean though that you and your spouse will have a stronger foundation for when you do face those trials. Those hardships will not be as detrimental to your relationship because of your shared goals, appreciation for each other's good qualities, and your habit of teamwork. 

So! What kind of marriage is yours? What kind do you want it to be? If it isn’t what you want it to be, what can you and your spouse do to form a character friendship?

If you want to learn more, go ahead and go to this resource used in the article above!
Beyond the Myth of Martial Happiness