Who Needs Contention? Not This Girl!

This week in class we talked about divorce and remarriage. I have been dreading this blog post all week, because I don't really feel adequate to do this topic justice. I haven't been divorced, and  my parents haven't been divorced. I know that I am going to school to become a Marriage and Family Therapist, but this is only my first semester technically learning about the family! So please cut me some slack.


Tips On How to Treat Your Spouse (and Anyone Else In Your Life):

1. Ephesians 4:29 - Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. 

       Yesterday was a pretty crappy day for me. It is pre-finals week, and if a brain could explode from stress, there would be brain guts all over my bedroom. So long story short, like every college student during this time of year, I am stressed. So, going to the very class I write this blog for, I decided I would be lazy and take the elevator. As I was waiting for it, my professor walked by and we exchange hellos. He asked me how school was going, and I said with a strained grin planted on my face, "Oh, just dandy!" He stopped and asked me if I was being serious or sarcastic. I told him the truth, I was in fact, being sarcastic (it is truly one of my super powers). I go to class and he brings up this scripture and says, "When we are sarcastic, we are telling a lie." I have never really thought about it like that before. I know that my telling him I was "just dandy" when I actually wasn't, didn't hurt anyone. However, it made me think about my "super power" and how it can really be used to hurt other people.
    This scripture is telling us all, to never let anything that won't do any good come out of our mouths. I went on a rant the other day on Twitter about how I am not going to be teaching my kids, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," because that is so untrue. Words hurt. They sting. They bite. They beat down on our self esteem and feelings. That isn't Christlike - not in the slightest. So this is something that I need to work on.
    The second half of this scripture tells us to always try and say things that will be good, uplifting and edifying. When I was a kid, a friend of mine invited me over to her house and asked me what I thought of her new paint color in her room. I told her what I thought (it wasn't very nice at all) and I hurt her feelings. My mom explained to me what it meant to be tactful. She taught me the importance of being kind, even when we don't have good things to say all of the time.
    How does this help in a marriage? Try your hardest to think about what you say before you say it. Ask, "Will this help the situation? Will it hurt my spouse?" I know that in a marriage, you have to talk about hard things with your spouse, so my counsel is to pray for the spirit to be there when you approach your spouse about a problem. Think about the way you phrase things too. "Shut your mouth when you chew! It is so annoying and loud!" hurts a whole lot more than, "Hey hun, do you think you could try to close your mouth when you chew?"

2. Ephesians 4:31 - Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice.

   My brother makes some really unfortunate choices in his life. So much so, that during my last month at home before I went away to college for the first time, I didn't speak to him. I ignored him whenever he was home. I hated being close to him. I held bitterness toward him. I acted out at him out of wrath instead of love. I was angry beyond all belief. Accusations flew from my mouth. Then, about a week before I left, something happened. I realized that life is too short for me to be so angry with him. For me to be building this tension in our relationship. It already had enough of that, and it didn't need me to add to the fire. So I tried to be encouraging and loving toward my brother. I tried to get rid of all those awful feelings, so that I could love him, with not only a sisterly love, but also a Christlike love. When someone hurts you, it is really hard to not be angry with them. Yes, be angry for a bit. Feel those feelings. However, get rid of them as fast as they came. If you do that, then your heart and soul will be free to love. Let me tell you, love and laughter are a lot more fulfilling than anger and screaming.
  What does this have to do with marriage? It has a lot to do with it. Yes, we get angry with our spouses, that is an inevitable occurrence in a marriage. However, to hold onto those feelings is harmful. Not only harmful to your marriage, but to you. Holding onto these feelings is easier than forgiving, but it puts a darkness in our souls that brings us down. A marriage where there are not grudges, is the best kind of marriage. So when something is bothering you, take a step back, breathe, seek the spirit, and talk to your spouse with love. The grudge isn't worth it.

3. Ephesians 4:32 - And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even God for Christ's sake has forgiven you.

   Everything that I have talked about so far, ties back into forgiveness. We are all sinners. When we sin, we feel awful. All we want to is to be forgiven. However, when someone else does wrong to us we don't want to give them that same credit (generalization alert). I am not chastising you, my four readers. It is so hard for me to forgive those who have wronged me (as you could see in my previous example). Not harboring anger towards someone goes hand in hand with forgiving them. However, once that anger has thoroughly eaten me up inside, and made me miserable, I usually humble myself enough to get down on my knees and ask my Heavenly Father and my elder brother Jesus Christ for their help to literally forgive and forget. Pride is not a good thing, especially when it comes to forgiveness.
 EVERYONE SINS. EVEN YOUR SPOUSE. EVEN YOU. Neither of you are perfect. Don't expect their forgiveness and then deny them your own. Like I said, everything I talked about earlier ties in with forgiveness, and that is why I am having such a hard time writing more, because I have already said it!

These principles are so important to a marriage, Mormon or not. Religious or not. Marriage takes real, hard work. So be kind when you talk to your spouse. Don't use mean and contentious words. Follow the commandments together, as well as on your own. Don't harbor anger or bitterness (it takes way to much energy anyway). Lastly, forgive. Forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive.

Don't give up on your spouse.

Hang In There Mom and Dad, You Got This!

Everybody has goals... right? I have a goal to become a therapist one day. I have another far (far) off goal to be able to be a foster mom for dogs (if you know me, you understand). (My Dad has a goal. My Mom has a goal.) I have a friend who has a goal to go to China this winter and teach the kids English. The point is, we all have goals in our lives that we want to meet.

What happens to us when our goals aren't met? We get disappointed in ourselves. We might also feel sad, angry, or discouraged among a lot of other negative emotions. We might act differently than we normally would. I know that when I was in high school and I didn't meet my goal of passing Geometry, I was pretty upset, not really surprised at my grade, but still unhappy with myself. Think back to a time when you didn't achieve a goal you had. You worked really hard on it too. Think about that feeling for a second. 

I'll wait....

Done? Great! That is also how teenagers feel when their goals aren't met. Therapist Michael Popkin says, after years of research, that teens have five main goals, and these are goals that they probably don't even know they are trying to meet. However, just because they don't know they are trying to meet these goals, doesn't mean they don't react negatively when they aren't achieved. I will give you a brief look at what three of these goals are, how you can tell if these goals aren't being met, and what you can do to help you're kiddo out, because let me just tell you in case you don't remember, being a teenager is tuff stuff. So I will say it because chances are your teen won't, WE NEED YOUR HELP. Get ready to get learned, yo.

Contact/Belonging

If you have experience with younger kids, you know how much they want to help you do stuff. "Can I mix the eggs together!?" "Can I get you a cup of water?!" "Can I make you a plastic dinner that you will pretend to eat, and I will take it back and give it to you so we can repeat the whole process?!" "Can I help change the oil in the car?!" Maybe not the last one, but you see the idea. It is essential for everyone to feel like they are important and contributing to the family. Also, everybody needs loving physical contact and attention. These two things, feeling like they contribute to the family and positive attention, are really important not just for teens, but for everyone. If your kid isn't getting enough of either, then they might start to rebel, silently hoping that they will get SOME sort of attention from someone. I understand that some families need to keep their focus on a certain child due to a physical or emotional handicap. However, if you notice that one of your kids is starting to act out and no amount of finger wagging is getting them to stop, then maybe you might want to start thanking them for all they do. Even if they aren't really doing much, find something, no matter how small, that you can thank them for. "Hey Bobby, thank you so much for taking the trash out tonight. It really helped me to not have it sitting in the corner stinking up the house, and I was able to think about other things. You're awesome!" Nobody wants to feel useless, and chances are the more your kid feels involved with the family, the less they will act out and the more they will help out. Also, giving your teen some one on one time will help out tremendously. Give them time with you where you do something they are interested in together and don't talk about anyone else, except for them. This will give them an opportunity to see that you really do love and care about them. Then they won't literally be starving for any kind of attention.

Power
"Are you kidding me, Emily? My teen needs less power in their lives, not more." Well hypothetical parent, you are wrong. Teens already have their life ruled by adults, and they are frustrated because they feel like they need room to grow and make their own choices, and yet they aren't totally ready to take on that kind of complete responsibility yet. When kids aren't having their "power" goal met, they might start to rebel here too, or become controlling over the lives of other people. If teenagers start to feel like they have no control over their lives (because their teachers, and parents are making all the choices for them) they could start to look for situations where they can make their own choices. Those choices might not be what the parent wants, because the teen is trying to have some form of control. So what can you do? Give them some of their own power. I remember when I was senior in high school, and I was taking a Spanish class that was kicking my butt. I did't feel like I was learning anything and that I was wasting my time. So when the semester ended I talked to my parents about dropping the Spanish class and taking a Photoshop class instead. I talked through the pros and cons with them and in the end, mom and dad said they trusted me to make the choice that was best for me. Do you know how good that felt? My parents trusted me to have power in my life. I decided the Spanish class was too much stress and dropped it. Obviously your teen needs structure and I am not telling you to let them run naked in the woods, but give them, as well as your other kids, chances to make choices for themselves. If they choices have consequences that they can't see, let the consequences happen. Only step in when those natural consequences are too dangerous, are too far off for the teen to see, and when others will be affected. Since my quitting Spanish wasn't dangerous, probably wouldn't affect me later in life, and didn't effect others, mom and dad let me call this one on my own. Letting your teens call things on their own once and awhile will be very beneficial to their development.

Withdrawal
Just this last Monday, I sat down to work on a paper that I have been working on for weeks. Can I just tell you how sick and tired I am of working on this thing? I just wanted to fix what my professor told me to fix and be on my way. I sat there for two hours, agonizing over this thing. If a brain could melt due to stress, I am pretty sure that is what it would have felt like. I eventually gave up thinking:
                                                                   
I needed a break. Everybody needs a break or else they will go insane working on their task and will eventually give up. Teach your kid the importance of withdrawing from tasks, taking a break, and "diving" back into work with a refreshed mind. If your teen is working on a school project, or your youth group is doing a service project and in both cases it looks like they are getting burned out, suggest a break to regroup. Kids, teens, adults - everybody needs to learn how to take a healthy break and get back to work. (My parents did teach me how to do this, I was just so done with this paper I wanted to finish it right then and there.)

The other two goals teens want to meet are feelings of protection and challenge. Teens want to know you are there for them, and that you will protect them when times get tough, and also that you are always going to forgive them if they mess up. Also, teens need to feel challenged. When they accomplish something hard, it gives them a great feeling, and they know they can do more hard things. Challenge your teens, and tell them you are proud all their hard work afterwards.

"Emily. You, my dear, are not a parent. How do you know what my teenager needs?" You guys, I am still a teenager. Only for about eight more months, but high school was not that long ago for me, and my frontal cortex (the one that helps me make rational choices and such) is still developing and won't be done for a few more years. Also, not only do teens need this stuff, but little kids, middle schoolers and adults need it too. These principles are interchangeable between the ages - how cool is that!

If your teen is acting out, please don't take it to personally. They love you. They need you. Some teens don't want to admit it, so that is why I am here! To tell you that they do still need you. They need your love, support and guidance, and they always will. No matter how old we get, we will always need our Heavenly Father. He doesn't leave us on our own when we turn 18, 21, 30, 50, 70, or 90. Just think about Adam from the bible. He lived to be almost 1,000 years old! Did Heavenly Father leave him alone?

So to sum up: Give your teen special attention. Make sure they know they are an asset to the family. Give them guidelines, but unless it is detrimental to their health, safety, future, or others, let them make their own choices and suffer the consequences. Make sure they know it is okay to break from a task every once in awhile. Give them a sense of protection and love. Help them to challenge themselves. Don't forget that they will always love you. Don't forget what it was like to be a teenager with all those crazy hormones running amuck in your body.

Give them some slack and understanding when they mess up. Heaven knows we are all still learning, and Heaven also knows Heavenly Father never gives up on us - so don't give up on your teen.