This week in class we talked about divorce and remarriage. I have been dreading this blog post all week, because I don't really feel adequate to do this topic justice. I haven't been divorced, and my parents haven't been divorced. I know that I am going to school to become a Marriage and Family Therapist, but this is only my first semester technically learning about the family! So please cut me some slack.
Tips On How to Treat Your Spouse (and Anyone Else In Your Life):
1. Ephesians 4:29 - Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
Yesterday was a pretty crappy day for me. It is pre-finals week, and if a brain could explode from stress, there would be brain guts all over my bedroom. So long story short, like every college student during this time of year, I am stressed. So, going to the very class I write this blog for, I decided I would be lazy and take the elevator. As I was waiting for it, my professor walked by and we exchange hellos. He asked me how school was going, and I said with a strained grin planted on my face, "Oh, just dandy!" He stopped and asked me if I was being serious or sarcastic. I told him the truth, I was in fact, being sarcastic (it is truly one of my super powers). I go to class and he brings up this scripture and says, "When we are sarcastic, we are telling a lie." I have never really thought about it like that before. I know that my telling him I was "just dandy" when I actually wasn't, didn't hurt anyone. However, it made me think about my "super power" and how it can really be used to hurt other people.
This scripture is telling us all, to never let anything that won't do any good come out of our mouths. I went on a rant the other day on Twitter about how I am not going to be teaching my kids, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," because that is so untrue. Words hurt. They sting. They bite. They beat down on our self esteem and feelings. That isn't Christlike - not in the slightest. So this is something that I need to work on.
The second half of this scripture tells us to always try and say things that will be good, uplifting and edifying. When I was a kid, a friend of mine invited me over to her house and asked me what I thought of her new paint color in her room. I told her what I thought (it wasn't very nice at all) and I hurt her feelings. My mom explained to me what it meant to be tactful. She taught me the importance of being kind, even when we don't have good things to say all of the time.
How does this help in a marriage? Try your hardest to think about what you say before you say it. Ask, "Will this help the situation? Will it hurt my spouse?" I know that in a marriage, you have to talk about hard things with your spouse, so my counsel is to pray for the spirit to be there when you approach your spouse about a problem. Think about the way you phrase things too. "Shut your mouth when you chew! It is so annoying and loud!" hurts a whole lot more than, "Hey hun, do you think you could try to close your mouth when you chew?"
2. Ephesians 4:31 - Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice.
My brother makes some really unfortunate choices in his life. So much so, that during my last month at home before I went away to college for the first time, I didn't speak to him. I ignored him whenever he was home. I hated being close to him. I held bitterness toward him. I acted out at him out of wrath instead of love. I was angry beyond all belief. Accusations flew from my mouth. Then, about a week before I left, something happened. I realized that life is too short for me to be so angry with him. For me to be building this tension in our relationship. It already had enough of that, and it didn't need me to add to the fire. So I tried to be encouraging and loving toward my brother. I tried to get rid of all those awful feelings, so that I could love him, with not only a sisterly love, but also a Christlike love. When someone hurts you, it is really hard to not be angry with them. Yes, be angry for a bit. Feel those feelings. However, get rid of them as fast as they came. If you do that, then your heart and soul will be free to love. Let me tell you, love and laughter are a lot more fulfilling than anger and screaming.
What does this have to do with marriage? It has a lot to do with it. Yes, we get angry with our spouses, that is an inevitable occurrence in a marriage. However, to hold onto those feelings is harmful. Not only harmful to your marriage, but to you. Holding onto these feelings is easier than forgiving, but it puts a darkness in our souls that brings us down. A marriage where there are not grudges, is the best kind of marriage. So when something is bothering you, take a step back, breathe, seek the spirit, and talk to your spouse with love. The grudge isn't worth it.
3. Ephesians 4:32 - And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even God for Christ's sake has forgiven you.
Everything that I have talked about so far, ties back into forgiveness. We are all sinners. When we sin, we feel awful. All we want to is to be forgiven. However, when someone else does wrong to us we don't want to give them that same credit (generalization alert). I am not chastising you, my four readers. It is so hard for me to forgive those who have wronged me (as you could see in my previous example). Not harboring anger towards someone goes hand in hand with forgiving them. However, once that anger has thoroughly eaten me up inside, and made me miserable, I usually humble myself enough to get down on my knees and ask my Heavenly Father and my elder brother Jesus Christ for their help to literally forgive and forget. Pride is not a good thing, especially when it comes to forgiveness.
EVERYONE SINS. EVEN YOUR SPOUSE. EVEN YOU. Neither of you are perfect. Don't expect their forgiveness and then deny them your own. Like I said, everything I talked about earlier ties in with forgiveness, and that is why I am having such a hard time writing more, because I have already said it!
These principles are so important to a marriage, Mormon or not. Religious or not. Marriage takes real, hard work. So be kind when you talk to your spouse. Don't use mean and contentious words. Follow the commandments together, as well as on your own. Don't harbor anger or bitterness (it takes way to much energy anyway). Lastly, forgive. Forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive.
Don't give up on your spouse.
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