"Mawwiage"

Last Friday in my 7:45 am parenting class, I walked in and instead of all the desks facing towards the front of the room they were all turned toward the center of the room. As I walked in, I tried to figure out where I could sit that would resemble the desk I usually choose every day (fourth row in, third seat down). I choose a seat on the right side of the classroom, fourth row in, second seat down. I listened to my classmates as they entered the room where a few of them vocalized their confusion. "Where do I sit...?" They would ask themselves. If they didn't vocalize it, their faces sure expressed it. One girl that I sit next to everyday walked in and I kid you not, this is what she said, "Oh my Gosh... where do I go? I am so confused! What do I do? Where do I GO?" I thought that my teacher had a reason for rearranging the seats like this, but he openly admitted to walking into class that morning, seeing the seats and thinking, "Eh, what the heck?" However, I think it caused a little more chaos than he predicted! Change is hard you guys. Any kind of change. Everything from the arrangement of seats in a classroom, to a regular faculty meeting being cancelled, to getting married and moving in with a completely new person.

Please know, that I am completely aware that I am not married. Most of the observations I make will be coming from the readings that I read this week, and the great discussions that I got to be a part of in my class, along with situations that were brought up by newly married individuals in my class. So, if I say something and the thought, "Well that is completely wrong," pops into your head, just remember I am making hard core generalizations in this blog entry.

Going to Brigham Young University - Idaho, I meet a lot of married people. The majority of them have gotten married within the last few years. It is inevitable here! There are married people all over the place! I look at them all, and think about how perfect they all seem. So cute, eating their little picnic lunches together. However, just because they all seem totally perfect on the outside, as a couple, they are going through serious changes - especially if they haven't been married for that long.

First of all, if the couple wasn't going to school at the time of marriage, where are they going to live? Closer to her family, his family, or somewhere different entirely? There are issues of different levels of cleanliness, combining different schedules, diets, and ways of sleeping (I personally worry about this with my future husband, because I like to wrap myself into a tight cocoon... Emily don't share no blankets.)  Those are just a few of the new adjustments. A really huge change would be finances. Are we going to have separate accounts, or joint? How are we going to budget? Is there going to be one person in charge of money, or will it be a shared responsibility? Then there is the dreaded change: the holidays... In my family, my parents were lucky enough to be from the same area. So we would spend Christmas Eve with my Dad's family, and Christmas Morning with my Mom's family. So I have never really watched the struggle between the different sides. However it apparently happens - a lot. I have heard some stories from classmates who tell us that they and their spouse, who have only been married a few months - have been going back and forth about where to go for the holidays. In my opinion, all of these changes are hard to deal with at first - it can especially be crazy-frustrating.

So why get married, right? It sounds like a complete inconvenience. Again I say, Emily doesn't share her blankets.

However, like I have said many times before on this blog, Heavenly Father made men and women to be together. He made us so that we complete the other. These first few months of marriage will be really hard, because both you and your new partner are trying to figure out how to sit in their exact same spot in the classroom, when it just isn't possible anymore. Marriage will change your life forever, and do not think that your first few months or annoyances, frustrations, and changes will be a small part of your marriage. There are plenty of people who went through the same changes you are going through, and are still together today, stronger and even more in love than the day they tied the knot.

I am not telling you, my four readers (including my mother of course), that the first few months of your marriage will be the hardest and once you get past that, it is time for 'happily ever after' to officially start. Trial after trial will occur in your marriage. However, it could be the communication skills you begin to develop within the first year of your marriage that could very well save your marriage as the years and hardships come your way. So don't give up. Work with your spouse. Share what is frustrating you (lovingly of course) and work out a compromise that will make you both happy.

One last thing before I wrap up. Another change that will happen is, when you have your first baby. Roles change and shift that might put a little more pressure on your marriage. The woman might feel like her husband doesn't want to be involved with the baby, and the husband might feel left out in the cold because his wife can't seem to give enough attention to him. Of course each parent loves this babe with all of their hearts, but it can still be a bit of strain on the marriage. So moms - make your husband feel the most involved you can when you are pregnant and teach him what you learn about infant care as you learn. Remember to snuggle with him when the baby goes down for the night for a few minutes before you fall into a deep sleep.  Dads, give your wife some room to breathe, be understanding and let her know that you love her and miss her.  Help out with a few of her chores so she can have a break once in a while. Intimate, quality time between husband and wife is important in a marriage - don't overlook it.

I guess the moral of the story is, is don't be afraid to talk about how you will do certain things once you are married - especially if you are just 'courting' and things are starting to get more and more serious. There can never be enough loving, tactful communication in your marriage. I know I was talking mostly to you newlyweds, but these principles are eternal, and know no age.

Don't give up on your marriage because you hit a few bumps in the road. Talk to each other! Love, compromise and follow Heavenly Father's plan for you, because I guarantee that when you do that - you will not be spared from trials - but He will line your path with wonderful blessings.

Who knows? With the right guy who I love? Maybe Emily will share her blankets. 

Jenny and Her Dating Adventure

This week in class, we talked about dating, falling in love and getting married. I have slim to almost no experience when it comes to this topic. What's a girl, who needs a good grade, to do? Tell a hypothetical story, of course! I will stop along the way and explain a few things I have learned in class this week!

Meet Jenny Baker, a girl from (Insert your favorite town and country here). She loves horse back riding, reading science fiction during thunder storms and long walks on the beach at sunset (This is why I am not a fictional writer... my character just isn't realistic! Please stick with me anyway! ) Jenny is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and is going to be attending BYU-Idaho in the fall. Jenny tells herself that she is not going to become one of those 'get married within the first semester girls (They all say that!). She is just going to get some old fashion edumication! (Jenny does have quite the sense of humor if I do say so myself!)

So school starts, and throughout her first year at college, Jenny goes on a few dates with a few different guys, but none of them have really caught her eye completely. Lewis was nice, but he was way to young, a 17 year old genius. Marc was good looking, but he always wanted to move way to fast in the physical direction Jenny didn't feel comfortable with. Kenneth acted like a complete snob, driving around in his convertible, and Jenny always felt out of place when she was with him. Ready for lesson One? No? Too bad! A lot of you are probably thinking that Jenny is kind of snobby herself. When in actuality she isn't. She is just looking for someone who is around her age, shares the same religious beliefs and values as she does, and is around the same socioeconomic class. She doesn't know she is looking for these things. She is just looking for someone she can be comfortable with, someone who she feel she can be herself around. She isn't intentionally saying, "Nope, you're ugly." or "Nope, you're too poor or too rich." Also, she wants to be with the person who is right for her, and if Heavenly Father says, "No way!" it's kind of a no brainier to Jenny if she should continue dating the guy or not!

After about a year and a half, Jenny meets Seth Matthews. Seth is from a town that is about five hours North of where Jenny originates, served his mission in Alberta, Canada, grew up on a ranch, attends the temple weekly, is about a two years older than Jenny, and let's not forget how good looking he is. Seth asks Jenny out every Friday and Saturday night for a whole month and they both are really enjoying each other's company. Whenever they go out, Seth has thought through a plan for the date. He and Jenny are obviously paired off during group dates. Also, he lives within his means, meaning if he can't afford a fancy $60 meal, he plans a fun picnic in the park. Lesson Number Two: What Seth might not realize is by planning, pairing off, and paying for all of these dates, he is showing Jenny that as a potential husband, he could preside over their family, provide for them, and protect them. He doesn't know he is doing it, and Jenny isn't thinking, "Alright, he paid for the movie that means he will be able to put food in our children's mouths." Not only are these good characteristics for a man to have, but it is showing Jenny he would make a good and caring eternal spouse.

Jenny and Seth have now been dating for about four months. During that time, Seth's grandma has passed away, and Jenny's little 14 year old sister has run away from home. They have shared a lot of conversations about what they wanted to do with their lives, how many kids they hope to have one day, their favorite and least favorite things that their parents did as they grew up, and many other personal details about themselves. They even had a few pretty heated arguments. Also during these four months, Jenny and Seth went on a lot of different types dates. All the way from going hiking on 'R' mountain, to to getting frozen yogurt. Lesson Number Three: Jenny and Seth have dated for a while now (At least in Mormon culture!) and they have experienced a lot of different situations with each other. Sadness, anxiety, anger, happiness and so on. They know a lot about each other, important things like what they want to bring from their family, into their possible new one. They have done a lot of different things, instead of just sitting around watching a movie every weekend. They have seen each other in a lot of different situations, emotions and problems. This is good!

After five months, Seth and Jenny start talking about marriage. They pray separately and together about whether or not they are supposed to get married. Eventually they both get the confirmation that it was time to tie the eternal knot. Seth takes Jenny to her favorite ice skating rink and has the owner flash a "Jenny, will you marry me?" sign on the message board. Seth looks at her, she has tears in her eyes, and of course she said yes (Sorry for the cheesy-ness, I am running out of things to say!). The semester ends and the wedding is soon. Jenny is talking to her best friend, who is not LDS, and her friend tells her that she needs to wait to tie herself to a guy for the rest of her life - she is only 20 years old, after all. She and Seth should live together for a few months before taking the plunge. Jenny tells her all of this research that her super smart friend from college, Emily, told her. (Yes Emily is me! However did you know?) Emily has told Jenny that those who live together before marriage are actually more likely to get divorced once they do get married, if they ever end up doing so. When you live with someone without any commitment, that's the first issue - there's no commitment. People can just move out and break up whenever they want to. Also, certain patterns are formed that are hard to break once married that can end up ruining the marriage. Also, trust is a bigger issue. (Like how I slipped Lesson Four in there without you even knowing?!)

Jenny and Seth get married in the temple and start their lives together. (I would tell you the rest of their story, but this post is about dating, and also it is getting kind of long!) But don't think their life was cookie cutter, picture perfect, because as we all know, no one is spared from trials.

The story I just told might be your story. However, it will probably be completely different from how falling in love will turn out for you. I don't know! Only Heavenly Father knows. Just listen to Him and the Holy Ghost when dating someone, because they know a whole lot better than we do!

Also, just because you are married, doesn't mean you should stop dating your spouse! Dating is supposed to be fun! Go have fun with your spouse!!

Happy dating!!                              

The Time Dad Shaved His Finger Off

My senior year of high school, my mom went to visit her sister in London. She was gone for about three weeks. This meant that my dad and I would be alone for the longest time than we have ever been before. During this time, I had drama rehearsal three nights a week for about 2-3 hours, depending on how close opening night was. I had about fifteen minutes until I needed to leave and I was sitting in my room getting some homework done, when my sweet, beloved father walks in with a dirty, bloody towel on his hand telling me I needed to drive him to the hospital because he shaved the tip of his finger off with his table saw.

"What?!"

"I can see the bone Em, we need to go."

I probably could have killed him.

This is the monologue that went through my head as I scrambled around the house trying to find shoes, my wallet and keys;

"Okay. I have to take him to Marysville. That isn't to far but I will have to drive over that narrow bridge and I have never done that before. It is okay. Everything will be okay. Oh man I hope I don't drive the mini van into the river. Crap! I have practice tonight, my director will kill me if I am even a minute late, I need to call her..." "Hey Em, do you wanna see my finger?" "NO DAD" "... I swear if he shows me his finger I will throw up... ugh where is my mom when I need her? LONDON. I need to email her. What if Dad looses his finger? Geez he needs a new towel, but I can't get it for him, what if I see his finger? Okay, shoes? Check. Keys? Check. Phone? Check. Embarrassing outfit because that is what I wear to rehearsal? Check. Please don't loose so much blood that you pass out....."

I would occasionally voice these concerns to my dad. Who am I kidding, I wasn't thinking all of that. I was saying it out loud to my dad with a few, "Why are you so stupid?!"'s in there. And you know what my dad did, finger shaved off and bleeding? He was telling me it was going to be okay. He was telling me that I could get him to the hospital safely. He was telling me my director would understand why I was late.

Who does that?

My dad. Although I could have killed him in the moment for doing something so incredibly stupid (I can say that because he told me himself he was being stupid,) I was very grateful for his calmness in the situation. If he had been crying out in pain, freaking out, and yelling at me I probably would have been an even bigger mess than I already was. I used to think my dad was just a calm guy. And don't get me wrong, he is. But this last week I have learned that it might not just be him, but his nature.

I hate to break it to you people, but men and women are not the same. We are completely equal. Women are from Venus and men are from Mars. Study after study has shown how men and women think and act differently. A lot of people say that men and women act differently because we raise them that way. We cuddle the girls more when they're upset, and let the boys cry it out in an effort to toughen them up. We watched a video this week on how boys and girls are different and a group of parents who were very much into "Unisex Parenting" were interviewed about their children. One mom said that she would be the last person in the world to give her son a toy gun, and yet he would always take his carrots off his dinner plate and say, "Bang! Bang!" Another said she had twins, one boy and one girl, and even though she bought them both the same toys, her boy would go for the cars and her girl would go for the dolls.

One study found that when a group of boys and girls have a table full of toys placed in front of them, the girls tend to gravitate toward make up and the boys toward balls or swords. In their observations, they found that the boys were mostly concerned with rules and that they had better spatial orientation than the girls. The girls, however, wanted to focus on relationships and communication, even at a very young age. In another study younger children, babies around the age of one, were placed behind a clear plastic barrier, separated from their mothers. In general, the boys would get up and bang on the barrier, trying to get out. On the opposite spectrum, the girls would typically just sit there and cry for their momma. Not young enough to convince you boys and girls are different? Studies have shown that newborn girls tend to make eye contact, and move their mouths like they are talking before boys do. Also, boys tend to crawl away from their caregiver before the girls do. (Most, if not all of this information can be found in the documentary Men, Women and the Sex Difference produced by ABC News). Please do not think me naïve enough to believe that these generalizations are always true 100% of the time. People are all individually unique.  Even with the baby behind the barrier study, some girls did get up to bang on the wall for mommy, and some boys did sit and cry for her.

When babies are growing in their momma's "tummy," there comes a time in their development when the X or the Y chromosome tells the body which hormone to shower the baby in. With the X chromosome, estrogen. With the Y, testosterone. Even before birth, we are different. That is the way Heavenly Father intended for it to be.

Why are men generally more task oriented then women? Why do they focus on rules more? They are hardwired to be a protector and provider for their family. Why are women more relationship oriented? Why do they have more attention to detail, and are generally better at interpreting non-verbal communication? One reason we are hardwired that way is because since babies can't talk, mothers need to be able to interpret their non-verbal cues in order to meet their needs.

We each have a divine purpose in this life, a purpose that Heavenly Father Himself gave to us. When He created the world, he delegated it's creation to Christ. However when it came to Adam and Eve, Heavenly Father was the one who made them, because it was so important. Heavenly Father did not make man, and think, "Oh, he needs someone to cook for him." I know I have already said this in my blog, Heavenly Father started Eve out of Adam's rib so that she would stand right next to him, and close to his heart. Men can not claim all of their eternal blessings without women, and women the same without the man. In order to attain exaltation, we need a body and we need to be baptized with the priesthood. We are equal, but not the same.

Men and women are so different, we have to be meant for each other. Just like puzzle pieces. Each are equally important, but not a single one of them have the same shape. When you finish the puzzle, it is a beautiful, completed picture.

So let us complete one another. Not compete with one another.

Oh wait! I almost forgot! I didn't drive the car off of the bridge. When we got to the hospital my dad insisted that I just drop him off and go to rehearsal, so I was able to explain what was going on my director. My dad got his temporary stiches (and also took pictures of them sewing up the end of his finger with his phone... *eye roll*). I got to take the next day off of school to drive him to Roseville to get his finger officially looked at by his doctor, where he got much more permanent bandages. (Which by the way he broke open the next day, and I had to drive him down there... again). He only lost about a quarter inch of his finger!

All went well, and my sweet dad kept me calm-ish throughout the whole ordeal!

Cultural Clashes

In my first semester up here at BYU-I something pretty weird happened. I came out of my room in my little apartment, and some people from our ward were sitting on my couch, chatting with my roommates. We introduced ourselves, our majors, and so on. When I said I was from Northern California, one of the guys made a face. He told me he was from Southern California, and he hated Northern. Apparently there is a rivalry between the two. I told him, sorry I didn't know there was a rivalry. And you know what he said? "Oh that's okay. Most people in Northern Cali don't know about it." ....Um, what? Apparently he isn't the only one to note there is a difference between Northern and Southern Californians. I had a roommate over the school break who told me that I was pretty different from a few roommates she has had in the past, that were from Southern California. I realized, it was true. As a generalization, people from the north tend to be a bit more mellow than people from the south, (again I say generalization... I do realize I have not met every single person in California).

My point is that even though this guy and I were born and raised in the same state, our cultures a both super different. Take a person from New York, and a person from Texas, and they will clash culturally. North, South, East, West (remember, Never Eat Soggy Waffles? (: ), all over the United States there are differences. Just think about the cultural differences in other countries. 

Adjusting to different cultures is hard, especially on a family. Imagine, you and your family want to move to a new, different area (whether it is a new area in your own country, or a different country all together). You and your family are expected to mold yourself into the traditions of this area. If you don't, you are isolated, and judged. There might be a language barrier that you and your family have to deal with.  

I theorize that there are two different kinds of cultural integration. One, is when there is a shinny new French boy that is an exchange student. He is foreign, has an accent and let's face it, he is super cute. He has tons of friends because he is from a different culture. He will be here, in America for a school year, then he will go back to his family and country. Then, there are the new kids from Mexico. There are so many Hispanic kids in my old high school that honestly, I don't think I would be able to tell who immigrated from Mexico, who was born here, or who was an exchange student. We don't lavish them with attention, because they are from a place that isn't super exciting to us, as Californians. We expect them to learn our language, and our customs. But do we ever take the time to get to know them? Do we see them struggling with their history homework and reach out to help? Do we help them with their English (or whatever the new language is that they must learn)? 

I have lived in the same house since I was 6 years old. To our left, lives this sweet African American couple. They lived their long before we moved in, and they continue to occupy the house. To our right, stands this little house that many different families have lived in. When I was around 8, this new Hispanic family moved in and I made friends with their daughter who was a year younger than me. I had been the only kid on the street for a while, so I welcomed the company. We played everyday. Her brothers and I even buried and held a funeral for a dead bird (not the most sanitary activity and believe me, our moms got after us for it!). I loved playing there, but I never got to actually talk to their mom. She only knew Spanish, and so when she and my mom would make plans on our behalf, my friend would have to translate between her mother and my own.  

Imagine, just the language barrier. I know I have mentioned this before, but how hard would it be if you couldn't have a conversation with your daughter's teacher, without that child being there to translate. It is very hard for anyone coming into a new country to get around all of the obstacles standing in their way. 

It is our job as just plain good people, to look for these newbies. It is our job as people who are from the culture in which we live to take them under our wing. Not to judge them for being different. But to look at them with understanding and acceptance. I had the opportunity to go to London when I was thirteen. Thirteen years old, and going to a new country without her parents - her comfort zone. I stayed with my sweet aunt and uncle. Neither of them went to church at all, so they helped me find a Mormon church meeting to go to. My first week there in Young Women's class, the girls who were actually in the ward, said nothing to me. They introduced themselves, showed me where class was and proceeded to ignore me. I felt so alone. I almost left because I felt so unwanted. 

Just as we need to be good neighbors and welcome those of different cultures into our communities, we need to be aware of the cultural differences when new members join the Church. We have our way of doing things, and sometimes we don't allow new members enough time, or give them enough help, to acclimate themselves into this new culture, even a new vocabulary. Converts sometimes don't understand that, for example, we don't as audience members talk back to the person giving a talk in Sacrament meeting. So when and if it happens, we need to be as understanding as possible and not isolate them for doing things like this. 

So whether it is a jock coming into your beloved drama class, a new member joining your church, or a new family moving into your community from Brazil, don't isolate. Don't judge. Just love, accept, learn, and teach. 

Don't let cultural clashes ruin your chances to get to know some great people.

(Also please feel free to comment, and share your opinions on this topic. I really love hearing what you think. And if you are shy, leave an anonymous comment! Thanks!)

Flipped Families

One of my favorite movies of all time is called "Flipped." It is an adorable "coming of age" movie told from the perspective of two 13 year old kids. Bryce Loski and Julie Baker. Bryce just wants to fit in, and having Julie Baker following him around since they were 7 years old, is ruining that hope. Julie thinks about things in a different way, and doesn't mind that she isn't like everyone else. A great scene in this movie, is when Julie and her father are sitting out in her backyard. Julie is watching her dad paint a beautiful landscape and her Dad (I personally think he is pretty awesome for bringing guys up in the first place!) asks Julie, "What is going on with you and Bryce Loski?" but in a definite cool-off-the-cuff manner. Julie, as I expect most 13 year olds would do, tries to play it cool by saying, "What do you mean? Nothing..." Her dad knows better. He tells her she talks about Bryce all the time, and Julie, knowing she has been caught, gets a little embarrassed. Her dad asks her what she likes about him. Julie tell her father that there is something about Bryce's eyes... or maybe it is his smile. Her dad asks her, "But what about him?"

Julie is really confused now.

He goes on to tell her that the whole is greater than the sum of it's parts. He uses a metaphor, telling her that in a painting, a cow is just a cow. But then you put that cow in a meadow with flowers and green grass. Then you add a sunset, maybe even a huge tree. And pretty soon, after adding all of these little things, you have a beautiful picture. It took Julie the rest of the movie to fully understand what her dad was trying to tell her - and it took me until this last week in class to understand as well (even though I have seen this movie around 10 times!!).

Boring note: The family is a system. Cool note: There is more than just one system that a family can be. (Well.. it's cool to me...). There is Symbolic Interactions Theory, Conflict Theory, Exchange Theory and Systems Theory. I gave you links to definitions so that if you are interested, you can see a quick explanation without me going into to much detail (yes, there are some Wikipedia sites, but the definitions are quick and basic!). I did this because last week I droned on and on. I am going to try to not do that again!

So what in the world does Emily's favorite movie have to do with Family Systems Theory? Well, lucky reader, let me tell you! This theory has everything to do the idea that families are systems. One is not one, without the other. I know that the saying "the whole is greater than the sum of it's parts" seems pretty simple, but I truly didn't understand what it meant, until my teacher put it into a family perspective. Let me see if I can explain myself:

A man is just a man. Then you give him a woman (the right woman to the right man hopefully). Then you add a baby. Then another. And another, and continue until it is time to stop. (And in my future family we will be adding some dogs, maybe even a cat.) Everyone in this family plays a role. Whether it is titled, goofball, or peacekeeper. There are so many different titles that can go into a family. The husband and wife not only have their own title, but they get to wear the Mom and Dad hat as well (double duty!). My point is, is that everyone in every family has a role, and if they were to play their role on their own, it wouldn't be as beautiful. The goofball wouldn't have anyone to laugh with, and the peacekeeper wouldn't have any arguments to extinguish. The man and woman just wouldn't have anyone to take care of, and give all of their love to. Separately, they are individuals. But together, they become one (if that makes any sense...). You can't be a kid without parents, a brother or sister without a sibling, and you can't be a mom or dad without children. 

This system is a beautiful landscape. It is what Heavenly Father intended. He put us into families because He knows that without them, we would be lost. We are all one part, but when you piece us together we are whole. It is the same for Julie when she looks at Bryce. The same when you look at Joe Shmoe from down the street, the same when you look at me, and the same when you look at yourself. We all have talents and qualities that make us unique and eternally beautiful. Put all of those aspects together, and you have a Child of God. Put a group of Children of God together, and you have a Family of God. A beautiful, eternal, whole. 

I guess the biggest point I am trying to make is that, yes, we are individuals. But, it is as a family that we have the great potential to become more. We can become apart of something eternal. That is why families are so important.

Did I flip your thoughts around?