What Kind of Friendship Do You Have?

Whenever people I know get engaged they almost always say; "I am so excited to marry my best friend!" This is such a romantic notion - falling in love with, and marrying your best friend. Couples always tell me the importance of forming a friendship before dating someone. But what kind of friendship?

Aristotle wrote about three different kinds of friendships. The first two are advantage and pleasure friendships.

Advantage: This is where you are friends with another person, because you both benefit from the relationship. Even if these advantages remain "unspoken."

Pleasure: You just like spending time with each other! The other person's company is nice, and makes you happy!

The problem with these two forms of friendships is that once the advantage goes away, or that person isn't as "pleasurable" to be around anymore, what happens? Your friendship fizzles out, and you no longer make an effort to be around that person anymore.

What happens when you marry this friend?

The third friendship Aristotle described is called a "Character Friendship."

Blaine J. Fowers, author of Beyond the Myth of Marital Happiness, wrote in his book about Aristotle's different versions of friendship, and he described a character friendship as having three "qualities." You can achieve a character friendship with another person by having a shared understanding of your values, recognizing each other’s good qualities, and using teamwork to achieve your shared goals (pp 127-128).

Shared Values, Shared Goals: One thing that is sure to bring two people together is a shared passion. Through that shared passion comes shared goals that character friendships work together to accomplish. These goals don't have to be huge and grand, like ending world hunger (although if that is your goal, go for it!).

Fowers said; "When a couple is devoted to life projects that transcend their relationship, they incorporate a much stronger and more stable form of commitment than what is available only through emotional involvement." (pp. 134) Having strong, common goals that you are both passionate about bonds you with another person in a better way as opposed to being together because it is simply nice or convenient.

Everybody's Got Good Qualities: When you spend a lot of time with a person, you begin to recognize the good about them. It is through this time that those deep, and good qualities begin to emerge and become solidified in your eyes. For example, a shared goal that my own parents have is to raise their children to become good people. Obviously my brother and I are not perfect, and when we act… less perfect, my dad approaches us with a very calm demeanor. My mom has told me that this is something she sees in my dad, especially after 35 years of marriage. His peaceful personality is a trait she has come to love dearly about him.

Fowers says; "In these marriages [where the spouses have a character friendship], the couple's identity is strongly imbued with the idea that the spouses are in a partnership that may involve some sacrifice but that helps give their marriage greater meaning and strength." (pp 135-136)

Teamwork: In school, we were all asked to work in a group with our fellow students to complete a task. We were either the lazy kid who didn't do anything, or the over achiever kid who did all the work. This doesn't happen in a character friendship, and can't happen in a marriage. Because you share common goals, and you see the good in each other, you want to work together to achieve the shared goals you have. The way you and your partner split up the work varies from couple to couple, depending on what is valued by each person. Fowers says; "The particular arrangement of who does what is often less important than the shared understanding of what needs to be done and of how each person can contribute" (pp 137). 

Having a character friendship with your spouse does not mean that your marriage will be spared from the common trials and tests of life. It does mean though that you and your spouse will have a stronger foundation for when you do face those trials. Those hardships will not be as detrimental to your relationship because of your shared goals, appreciation for each other's good qualities, and your habit of teamwork. 

So! What kind of marriage is yours? What kind do you want it to be? If it isn’t what you want it to be, what can you and your spouse do to form a character friendship?

If you want to learn more, go ahead and go to this resource used in the article above!
Beyond the Myth of Martial Happiness