“Even in our healthiest relationships we sometimes get into
arguments, have bad feelings, or push for what we want in ways that hurt people
we care about.”
When you argue with your spouse, or really anyone, what is
your goal? To win? To prove you and your opinions are superior to the opposing
view? To tear the other down, because it is only then that you can feel success?
It is hard to remember that we are all cut from a different
cloth – especially when arguing. We all have our own personal biases, and our
own personal pride, that make it hard for us to open our eyes and see things
from another’s view point.
Yes, the fact that none of us completely agree with another
is well known and understood. However, it is even harder to remember when it
comes to our spouse. They are the person we love, the person we chose to be
with for the rest of our lives, our best friend… shouldn’t they have the same
views as us? Shouldn’t they understand our viewpoints way better than everyone
else? It is a little betraying when someone we are so close to, and trust so
much, disagrees with us. We know the feeling is a bit irrational, but it is
there all the same.
The University of Arkansas’s Cooperative Extension Program
published a document entitled; Getting
Our Hearts Right, in which they discuss this topic. The authors suggest
humility, as a tool to “open our hearts.” A lot of people assume that those who
are humble, are weak, shy or subordinate to those who can be described as
confident. “Don’t be so humble” is a phrase I hear thrown around when I
accomplish something. Humility is not weakness though.
Getting Our Hearts
Right defines humility as; “the recognition that our needs matter, but so
do the needs of others, the readiness to admit that we do not have a complete
understanding of the truth, and a willingness to admit that we make mistakes.”
Does that sound weak? By their definition, humility sounds
pretty strong to me. In fact, it sounds really terrifying to me. Some of my
hardest experiences have been admitting that I was wrong. Even if I wasn’t
wrong, I sometimes have to take a step back and ask myself – do I want to be
right or do I want to be happy?
I have always struggled with the concept that if I want
change in a relationship, it is my job to do it. Why is it my job to implement
change? Why not the other person?
Then I have to remind myself that my choices, words, and
actions are on me. If I am fighting with someone, and the relationship I have
with them is more important to me than being right, I have to be the one to
slow down and show some humility. I have found that when I take a step back and
stop forcing my own views and biases on the other person, they usually calm
down as well and we can continue the conversation more peaceful than before.
Then something really amazing happens – we are both more
willing to listen to the other and we actually make progress in figuring out
our disagreement instead of a constant loop of back and forth opinions that get
us nowhere in the end.
When we have humility, it makes it much easier to compromise
our position, and desires. Dr. John Gottman says that if you want compromise to
work in your marriage, you can’t close your eyes to your spouse’s opinions.
Agreeing with everything they do, think, and say is not a requirement of
compromise, but considering your loved one’s view point is.
So, when you and your spouse have a disagreement, what should
be your goal? To try to understand their point of view? To attempt to find a
solution that works for both of you?
Marriage is about give and take, back and forth. What would
be the point of joining your life with another person, if you both dig your
heels in at every point of disagreement? Humility is not an easy trait to have,
but it is not a trait that is impossible to attain – especially when we are gaining
that quality for that person that we love, and trust so much.
What about you? Have you had any experiences where humility
helped you in your marriage?
If you want to learn more, check out these resoucres used in the article above!
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