Let Positivity Invade Your Marriage

One would think when you spend a lot of time with another person, you wouldn’t get irritated with them, because you know them so well. However, that kind of intimacy can lead us to be more relaxed and comfortable with that person, often making us feel justified in judging or labeling them as immature, irresponsible, self-centered, or whatever else the case may be. 

 
In my 20 years of life, I have formed a few strong friendships. I have been friends with some of these girls since we were 6 years old, going to church and school together. Let’s face it, we aren’t perfect. We have all been irritated at one another at one point or another over the years. However, we didn’t let these little mishaps grow into bitterness and resentment.

As an example;

*Beginning of some random high school class*

Friend: “Hey Emily! How are you?”

Emily: “Fine.”

Friend: “Everything okay?”

Emily: “Yup.”

Friend: “Okay…”

 
Okay, so this can go one of two ways. Let’s see what way it would go if we didn’t have a healthy, strong friendship:

*Friend thinks*: Wow Emily is being really short with me today. She does this all the time, with no explanation, and I am sick of it. Two can play at that game. I’m not going to talk to her either, and see how she likes it.

            

See how she has chosen to label me, because of my actions, and this now has created more contention than necessary?

Now let’s look at what would happen in a healthy relationship:

            *Friend thinks*: Wow, Emily is being really short with me today. I wonder if that huge test she had been studying for went okay? She must not want to talk about it right now. I will leave her be for a bit, and try again later.

            *Some time passes *

            Friend: “Hey, you okay?”

            Emily: “Yeah, I just bombed that test I took and needed some time to let it sink in. Thanks for not pushing me.”

            Friend: “I thought that might have been what was going on. Want to talk about it?”

 
Because we had worked really hard on our friendship beforehand, my friend was able to see that I wasn’t trying to be rude, but that sometimes when I am upset I need a little bit of time before I can talk about it. If she had gone the other way of thinking, it could have been really hard on our friendship. 

What does this have to do with marriage? John Gottman wrote; “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.”  

He goes on to talk about a concept introduced by Robert Wess called “positive sentiment override.” This basically means that there is so much positivity in the marriage going back and forth between spouses, that they expect to have positive experiences with one another, and they more often give one another the benefit of the doubt when hard situations come up. My friend could have not given me this benefit. Instead, because all of the positivity we both had practice with in our relationship, she knew that I wasn’t acting quiet because I was a brat. She knew I was acting that way, because something was really bothering me. 

When we don’t have this positive sentiment override, we begin to “replay” everything that has happened thus far, and put emphasis on the bad memories, and “minimize” the good, which makes whatever challenge (big or small) that is presented to us seem so much more life changing than it should be.  

So, what can be done? Obviously if it is a habit to think pessimistically about your spouse’s actions, then it will take a bit of practice giving them the benefit of the doubt, but you can do it! 

Research shows that in a strong relationship, there are “five positive interactions for each negative interaction.” People normally only perform two positive actions for every negative.  

For example, if you were to respond to your spouse in a blunt manner to a question asked, then you both should try to have at least five positive interactions. You could, give each other a kiss goodbye, compliment her hair, compliment his tie, cook dinner together, and have a dance party in your living room. These may seem silly and simplified, but when you just had all that fun, are you really going to be thinking about that small negative interaction? 

So, while you are trying to break bad habits and form new ones, make yourself create five positive actions for every negative one that you and your spouse encounter. Be strict with yourself about the amount of positive interactions, because if you keep it up, these interactions will become more normal natural. 

Like I said before, we are all imperfect human beings who make mistake, so don’t let yourself get down and stop trying. Realize your mistake, and try again. Once that positive sentiment override begins to get stronger and stronger, it will become easier and easier to overlook little mistakes.  

Now that you know what positive sentiment override is, how have you used it in your own life? Can you think of a situation where someone else used it with you?

If you are interested in researching this resource for yourself, here is the link to learn more about the book:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work