Jenny and Her Dating Adventure

This week in class, we talked about dating, falling in love and getting married. I have slim to almost no experience when it comes to this topic. What's a girl, who needs a good grade, to do? Tell a hypothetical story, of course! I will stop along the way and explain a few things I have learned in class this week!

Meet Jenny Baker, a girl from (Insert your favorite town and country here). She loves horse back riding, reading science fiction during thunder storms and long walks on the beach at sunset (This is why I am not a fictional writer... my character just isn't realistic! Please stick with me anyway! ) Jenny is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and is going to be attending BYU-Idaho in the fall. Jenny tells herself that she is not going to become one of those 'get married within the first semester girls (They all say that!). She is just going to get some old fashion edumication! (Jenny does have quite the sense of humor if I do say so myself!)

So school starts, and throughout her first year at college, Jenny goes on a few dates with a few different guys, but none of them have really caught her eye completely. Lewis was nice, but he was way to young, a 17 year old genius. Marc was good looking, but he always wanted to move way to fast in the physical direction Jenny didn't feel comfortable with. Kenneth acted like a complete snob, driving around in his convertible, and Jenny always felt out of place when she was with him. Ready for lesson One? No? Too bad! A lot of you are probably thinking that Jenny is kind of snobby herself. When in actuality she isn't. She is just looking for someone who is around her age, shares the same religious beliefs and values as she does, and is around the same socioeconomic class. She doesn't know she is looking for these things. She is just looking for someone she can be comfortable with, someone who she feel she can be herself around. She isn't intentionally saying, "Nope, you're ugly." or "Nope, you're too poor or too rich." Also, she wants to be with the person who is right for her, and if Heavenly Father says, "No way!" it's kind of a no brainier to Jenny if she should continue dating the guy or not!

After about a year and a half, Jenny meets Seth Matthews. Seth is from a town that is about five hours North of where Jenny originates, served his mission in Alberta, Canada, grew up on a ranch, attends the temple weekly, is about a two years older than Jenny, and let's not forget how good looking he is. Seth asks Jenny out every Friday and Saturday night for a whole month and they both are really enjoying each other's company. Whenever they go out, Seth has thought through a plan for the date. He and Jenny are obviously paired off during group dates. Also, he lives within his means, meaning if he can't afford a fancy $60 meal, he plans a fun picnic in the park. Lesson Number Two: What Seth might not realize is by planning, pairing off, and paying for all of these dates, he is showing Jenny that as a potential husband, he could preside over their family, provide for them, and protect them. He doesn't know he is doing it, and Jenny isn't thinking, "Alright, he paid for the movie that means he will be able to put food in our children's mouths." Not only are these good characteristics for a man to have, but it is showing Jenny he would make a good and caring eternal spouse.

Jenny and Seth have now been dating for about four months. During that time, Seth's grandma has passed away, and Jenny's little 14 year old sister has run away from home. They have shared a lot of conversations about what they wanted to do with their lives, how many kids they hope to have one day, their favorite and least favorite things that their parents did as they grew up, and many other personal details about themselves. They even had a few pretty heated arguments. Also during these four months, Jenny and Seth went on a lot of different types dates. All the way from going hiking on 'R' mountain, to to getting frozen yogurt. Lesson Number Three: Jenny and Seth have dated for a while now (At least in Mormon culture!) and they have experienced a lot of different situations with each other. Sadness, anxiety, anger, happiness and so on. They know a lot about each other, important things like what they want to bring from their family, into their possible new one. They have done a lot of different things, instead of just sitting around watching a movie every weekend. They have seen each other in a lot of different situations, emotions and problems. This is good!

After five months, Seth and Jenny start talking about marriage. They pray separately and together about whether or not they are supposed to get married. Eventually they both get the confirmation that it was time to tie the eternal knot. Seth takes Jenny to her favorite ice skating rink and has the owner flash a "Jenny, will you marry me?" sign on the message board. Seth looks at her, she has tears in her eyes, and of course she said yes (Sorry for the cheesy-ness, I am running out of things to say!). The semester ends and the wedding is soon. Jenny is talking to her best friend, who is not LDS, and her friend tells her that she needs to wait to tie herself to a guy for the rest of her life - she is only 20 years old, after all. She and Seth should live together for a few months before taking the plunge. Jenny tells her all of this research that her super smart friend from college, Emily, told her. (Yes Emily is me! However did you know?) Emily has told Jenny that those who live together before marriage are actually more likely to get divorced once they do get married, if they ever end up doing so. When you live with someone without any commitment, that's the first issue - there's no commitment. People can just move out and break up whenever they want to. Also, certain patterns are formed that are hard to break once married that can end up ruining the marriage. Also, trust is a bigger issue. (Like how I slipped Lesson Four in there without you even knowing?!)

Jenny and Seth get married in the temple and start their lives together. (I would tell you the rest of their story, but this post is about dating, and also it is getting kind of long!) But don't think their life was cookie cutter, picture perfect, because as we all know, no one is spared from trials.

The story I just told might be your story. However, it will probably be completely different from how falling in love will turn out for you. I don't know! Only Heavenly Father knows. Just listen to Him and the Holy Ghost when dating someone, because they know a whole lot better than we do!

Also, just because you are married, doesn't mean you should stop dating your spouse! Dating is supposed to be fun! Go have fun with your spouse!!

Happy dating!!                              

Cultural Clashes

In my first semester up here at BYU-I something pretty weird happened. I came out of my room in my little apartment, and some people from our ward were sitting on my couch, chatting with my roommates. We introduced ourselves, our majors, and so on. When I said I was from Northern California, one of the guys made a face. He told me he was from Southern California, and he hated Northern. Apparently there is a rivalry between the two. I told him, sorry I didn't know there was a rivalry. And you know what he said? "Oh that's okay. Most people in Northern Cali don't know about it." ....Um, what? Apparently he isn't the only one to note there is a difference between Northern and Southern Californians. I had a roommate over the school break who told me that I was pretty different from a few roommates she has had in the past, that were from Southern California. I realized, it was true. As a generalization, people from the north tend to be a bit more mellow than people from the south, (again I say generalization... I do realize I have not met every single person in California).

My point is that even though this guy and I were born and raised in the same state, our cultures a both super different. Take a person from New York, and a person from Texas, and they will clash culturally. North, South, East, West (remember, Never Eat Soggy Waffles? (: ), all over the United States there are differences. Just think about the cultural differences in other countries. 

Adjusting to different cultures is hard, especially on a family. Imagine, you and your family want to move to a new, different area (whether it is a new area in your own country, or a different country all together). You and your family are expected to mold yourself into the traditions of this area. If you don't, you are isolated, and judged. There might be a language barrier that you and your family have to deal with.  

I theorize that there are two different kinds of cultural integration. One, is when there is a shinny new French boy that is an exchange student. He is foreign, has an accent and let's face it, he is super cute. He has tons of friends because he is from a different culture. He will be here, in America for a school year, then he will go back to his family and country. Then, there are the new kids from Mexico. There are so many Hispanic kids in my old high school that honestly, I don't think I would be able to tell who immigrated from Mexico, who was born here, or who was an exchange student. We don't lavish them with attention, because they are from a place that isn't super exciting to us, as Californians. We expect them to learn our language, and our customs. But do we ever take the time to get to know them? Do we see them struggling with their history homework and reach out to help? Do we help them with their English (or whatever the new language is that they must learn)? 

I have lived in the same house since I was 6 years old. To our left, lives this sweet African American couple. They lived their long before we moved in, and they continue to occupy the house. To our right, stands this little house that many different families have lived in. When I was around 8, this new Hispanic family moved in and I made friends with their daughter who was a year younger than me. I had been the only kid on the street for a while, so I welcomed the company. We played everyday. Her brothers and I even buried and held a funeral for a dead bird (not the most sanitary activity and believe me, our moms got after us for it!). I loved playing there, but I never got to actually talk to their mom. She only knew Spanish, and so when she and my mom would make plans on our behalf, my friend would have to translate between her mother and my own.  

Imagine, just the language barrier. I know I have mentioned this before, but how hard would it be if you couldn't have a conversation with your daughter's teacher, without that child being there to translate. It is very hard for anyone coming into a new country to get around all of the obstacles standing in their way. 

It is our job as just plain good people, to look for these newbies. It is our job as people who are from the culture in which we live to take them under our wing. Not to judge them for being different. But to look at them with understanding and acceptance. I had the opportunity to go to London when I was thirteen. Thirteen years old, and going to a new country without her parents - her comfort zone. I stayed with my sweet aunt and uncle. Neither of them went to church at all, so they helped me find a Mormon church meeting to go to. My first week there in Young Women's class, the girls who were actually in the ward, said nothing to me. They introduced themselves, showed me where class was and proceeded to ignore me. I felt so alone. I almost left because I felt so unwanted. 

Just as we need to be good neighbors and welcome those of different cultures into our communities, we need to be aware of the cultural differences when new members join the Church. We have our way of doing things, and sometimes we don't allow new members enough time, or give them enough help, to acclimate themselves into this new culture, even a new vocabulary. Converts sometimes don't understand that, for example, we don't as audience members talk back to the person giving a talk in Sacrament meeting. So when and if it happens, we need to be as understanding as possible and not isolate them for doing things like this. 

So whether it is a jock coming into your beloved drama class, a new member joining your church, or a new family moving into your community from Brazil, don't isolate. Don't judge. Just love, accept, learn, and teach. 

Don't let cultural clashes ruin your chances to get to know some great people.

(Also please feel free to comment, and share your opinions on this topic. I really love hearing what you think. And if you are shy, leave an anonymous comment! Thanks!)

Flipped Families

One of my favorite movies of all time is called "Flipped." It is an adorable "coming of age" movie told from the perspective of two 13 year old kids. Bryce Loski and Julie Baker. Bryce just wants to fit in, and having Julie Baker following him around since they were 7 years old, is ruining that hope. Julie thinks about things in a different way, and doesn't mind that she isn't like everyone else. A great scene in this movie, is when Julie and her father are sitting out in her backyard. Julie is watching her dad paint a beautiful landscape and her Dad (I personally think he is pretty awesome for bringing guys up in the first place!) asks Julie, "What is going on with you and Bryce Loski?" but in a definite cool-off-the-cuff manner. Julie, as I expect most 13 year olds would do, tries to play it cool by saying, "What do you mean? Nothing..." Her dad knows better. He tells her she talks about Bryce all the time, and Julie, knowing she has been caught, gets a little embarrassed. Her dad asks her what she likes about him. Julie tell her father that there is something about Bryce's eyes... or maybe it is his smile. Her dad asks her, "But what about him?"

Julie is really confused now.

He goes on to tell her that the whole is greater than the sum of it's parts. He uses a metaphor, telling her that in a painting, a cow is just a cow. But then you put that cow in a meadow with flowers and green grass. Then you add a sunset, maybe even a huge tree. And pretty soon, after adding all of these little things, you have a beautiful picture. It took Julie the rest of the movie to fully understand what her dad was trying to tell her - and it took me until this last week in class to understand as well (even though I have seen this movie around 10 times!!).

Boring note: The family is a system. Cool note: There is more than just one system that a family can be. (Well.. it's cool to me...). There is Symbolic Interactions Theory, Conflict Theory, Exchange Theory and Systems Theory. I gave you links to definitions so that if you are interested, you can see a quick explanation without me going into to much detail (yes, there are some Wikipedia sites, but the definitions are quick and basic!). I did this because last week I droned on and on. I am going to try to not do that again!

So what in the world does Emily's favorite movie have to do with Family Systems Theory? Well, lucky reader, let me tell you! This theory has everything to do the idea that families are systems. One is not one, without the other. I know that the saying "the whole is greater than the sum of it's parts" seems pretty simple, but I truly didn't understand what it meant, until my teacher put it into a family perspective. Let me see if I can explain myself:

A man is just a man. Then you give him a woman (the right woman to the right man hopefully). Then you add a baby. Then another. And another, and continue until it is time to stop. (And in my future family we will be adding some dogs, maybe even a cat.) Everyone in this family plays a role. Whether it is titled, goofball, or peacekeeper. There are so many different titles that can go into a family. The husband and wife not only have their own title, but they get to wear the Mom and Dad hat as well (double duty!). My point is, is that everyone in every family has a role, and if they were to play their role on their own, it wouldn't be as beautiful. The goofball wouldn't have anyone to laugh with, and the peacekeeper wouldn't have any arguments to extinguish. The man and woman just wouldn't have anyone to take care of, and give all of their love to. Separately, they are individuals. But together, they become one (if that makes any sense...). You can't be a kid without parents, a brother or sister without a sibling, and you can't be a mom or dad without children. 

This system is a beautiful landscape. It is what Heavenly Father intended. He put us into families because He knows that without them, we would be lost. We are all one part, but when you piece us together we are whole. It is the same for Julie when she looks at Bryce. The same when you look at Joe Shmoe from down the street, the same when you look at me, and the same when you look at yourself. We all have talents and qualities that make us unique and eternally beautiful. Put all of those aspects together, and you have a Child of God. Put a group of Children of God together, and you have a Family of God. A beautiful, eternal, whole. 

I guess the biggest point I am trying to make is that, yes, we are individuals. But, it is as a family that we have the great potential to become more. We can become apart of something eternal. That is why families are so important.

Did I flip your thoughts around? 

Kids... Do We Really Need 'em?

First off, I would like to sincerely thank everyone who took the time to look at my blog this past week! You guys are awesome! I hope I can be entertaining enough to gain your loyalty!

Okay. It's real talk time.

How many of you think that we have a population problem? That we are overpopulating the earth, and that one day there will be so many people on it, that there won't be anymore resources left to keep us, or our families alive? Well... you may be less right than you think.

The fact of the matter is that we, as a culture, are not having nearly as many kids as we used to. The fertility rate (number of children per the average woman) is declining. Yes the population is growing, but not because more people are having babies, but because less people are dying. There are so many (I guess word/phrase of the week is "so many") contributing factors as to why women are not having nearly as many children as they used to. Trust me (I took the notes!).

In the 1960's the women's revolution began. Women started wanting what men had, an education, and a career. And, when they went out and got it, this redefined family norms in America. Women started waiting to get married and have children, because if they wanted that grand career, a child might slow them down from getting there. Also in 1962, the FDA approved the birth control pill. Women started taking it so that they would have more control over when, or how often, they had children. Now please to not think that I am hating on the women's revolution, because I believe that women are equal to men (Even in Gensis when God creates the woman Eve, He took a rib from Adam, so that the woman is not behind, in front of, above nor below him, but right at his side). I believe that women should always educate themselves in what interests them so that they can be their best selves. But I also believe that to be a mother is a divine calling from God. That is one reason fertility is dropping - because women are putting their careers ahead of their families.
The sexual revolution is another reason. By 1972, 70% of women were on the pill. Because of birth control, men and women have started to disconnect reproduction and sex. In a world where we are continually becoming conditioned to look out for ourselves, gratify ourselves, do what we want, sex is becoming just that - another way to satisfy ourselves rather than what it's purpose is - to multiply and replenish the earth. Even Gloria Steinem said, "The sexual revolution was "not a woman's revolution, but rather men trying to get easier sexual access to women.""
Fertility is also down because of divorce. In the late 1960's, Ronald Reagan passed a "No Fault Divorce" law in California. That meant that any spouse, anywhere, could get a divorce for any reason. Divorce rate rose up 20% and soon it spread all over the world. In 2006, 1.9 million people in China got divorced. People who have been divorced, or grew up with parents who were divorced, are much less likely to have more than one or two children, if any. These are just some of the reasons fertility has gone down in the world.

But why does this matter?

First off, we need to meet thing called a replacement rate so that the population can be replenished in the next generation. If we don't meet that rate then our population will slowly get smaller and smaller. Kids are important because they are the next generation. They will take over when we die. No body likes to think that they will die one day, but it is true. You will. And who will take over then, if you don't have any kids? Also, when fertility declines, social and moral capitals decline and there are less people to be with and hang out with. It is inside of a family that we become people. It is where we learn to trust, love, and work together.

As humans, we are social creatures. Families are the fundamental units of society. The Universal Declaration of Human Rights states; "The family is the natural, fundamental, group unit of society, and is entitled to protection by the state." Families are the groups of people we identify ourselves with. These are the groups of people that raise us to be good and caring people. 

Do I think the human population will go extinct because of the lowering fertility rates? No. I don't think that. Heavenly Father will never let that happen. I do think, however, that along with declining fertility rates, we as a society are loosing our sense of what it means to be a family. Of what it means to have children and raising them to be the best people they can be. Being a part of a family, no matter what those family values are, teaches the children how to be an adult. 

Okay. I am a Mormon. Mormons get stereotyped as having 15 kids (Along with having 15 wives, but that is a different post for a different day). This is not true. I myself only have two brothers. Some people are called to raise 15 kids, while others are only called to raise 1. Or even none. It all depends on Heavenly Father's plan for us. So when the time comes to start having children with your spouse, make sure Heavenly Father is in on that conversation too. I would hate to think that I would miss out on having my sweet 4th, 5th, 6th or even 7th child, because I thought 3 was plenty and didn't want anymore. How many blessings would I miss out on? How many lessons would I have learned from that kid, that I will never get the chance to learn? What would happen to that kid's spouse? I mentioned in my last post that my mom started a new career right before she found out she was pregnant with me... what if she had been on birth control? I wouldn't be here today, writing to all of you. Our choices can impact those who are not even on this earth yet. Which is why, if you are religious or not, you should think before deciding "one is enough for me."

No situation is the same when it comes to having children. Please do not think that I am saying, "If you don't have any kids, you are killing the earth's population!" Yeah right. Some people just can't have them (Heavenly Father must have a different route for them to follow). Some only need to have one or two. All I am trying to say is, don't let work (for both men and women), sex for pleasure, the easy opportunity for divorce, feelings of inadequacy, or anything else get in your way of raising a strong, healthy family. And don't be closed minded to having a lot of kids. Even if you're not religious, let your instincts take over to tell you when to stop. 

Kids are important. They are the future us.

And besides, if they weren't around, who would say the darndest things?

Who I am, My Family, and What This is All About

I have never really been one to blog. I have always thought blogs were a place to tell stories about your life and your family can read about it to keep themselves updated. Well, I hit two problems there; my life truly isn't all that interesting and Facebook. With Facebook you can share a quick story, new picture, or funny video instantly. I can tell all of my "friends" that my first week of a new semester at college was "Super Awesome!" and be done with it. Bam. They are all updated on my life. It isn't just my barrier to blogging. I have a few friends who were like, super bloggers. Now I look back and they haven't blogged in years. Well, you are probably asking yourself, "Self? Why is she blogging now?" Well this blog is for a class I am taking up here at good ol' Brigham Young University - Idaho.

Let me pause in my contemplation of blogs to tell the many readers I am sure I will have (could I emphasize the sarcasm any more?), about myself! My name is Emily Barrow, I am from Northern California and I just turned 19 years old. There are three things I let myself completely geek out on.

1. Dogs 

2. Marvel

3. Theatre

My whole life I have had this crazy desire to help people. I know it sounds cheesy, but it is true! If I see someone crying on the side of the street, it is like they are calling out to me, "Emily! I need to talk, and you have a great pair of ears!" ... not that I see crying people on the side of the road often but you understand what I mean. So I started my first semester here at BYU-I last Fall as a Psychology major. I didn't really know what or who I wanted to focus on, but I thought that Psych would be a good place to start. At the same time, I took a Child Development class, honestly just for fun. I remember more from my Child Development class than I did from my General Psychology class. That is not to say that my Psych class was not memorable, child development just seemed to click more. So I went home for winter break (more about the BYU-I Three Track System here ) I took a class called "Careers in Psychology" and I realized who and what I wanted to focus on. Families. After I realized that, it was like everything just fell into place, I had all of these realizations of why I should do this, and remembering that I get excited every time we talk about families in Church. I am sure I will go into more depth as to why I chose Marriage and Family to focus on later on in my posts.

I guess since this whole blog will be about families... I should talk about my own! Well, I have a mom (Peggy), a dad (Jeff), and two brothers (Nick and Casey). Mom and Dad met in their twenties, fell in love, got married and had Nick! Six years later, Casey came along. But Casey didn't stay with us nearly as long as we would have liked. Casey was born with congenital heart defects and passed away about six months after he was born. So I have a sweet brother looking after me from the Spirit World, and I feel his presence in my life often. Six years after Casey, my mom started to feel sick... should be the flu right? Wrong! It was me! Surprise momma! Apparently she had just finished nursing school, so I came at a perfect time! I love my family with all of my heart and I thank Heavenly Father everyday for sending me to them.

 

My momma and I when she came to visit me this summer!

Nick and Dad looking so excited to be watching one of the plays plays I was in!

 

What 34 and 3/4 years of marriage looks like!

I love my dad... and his golf hats!

And now that I have bragged about my family...

I will be updating this blog weekly, (and if I am especially inspired, maybe even twice a week!). The themes will run pretty consistently with what I am learning in my Family Relations class that week, but I promise I will not just be regurgitating (it's a gross word, but I felt it appropriate) the lessons my teacher gives. Also, I am taking a Parenting class , as well as an Eternal Family class, and a Infants and Toddlers class this semester, (how I am going to keep them straight, I have no idea) so I will try to incorporate what I learn from them as well. 

I believe and have a strong testimony that the family is a unit that God Himself created. This week in my Eternal Family Class, we talked about how God made man, and then he made woman, literally for the man so that they could be married and "cleave" unto her. Heavenly Father put Adam and Eve on this earth, so that they could not only replenish it, but raise a family, the first family (Genesis 2:21-24). I will share more experiences as to why the family is so important, not only to me, but to everyone. 

So! Now I shall do the typical thing a blog writer does! Please like, comment, share, talk about, learn from and just simply enjoy this blog. Ask questions! I will be happy to answer them (Or consult someone much smarter than I and get back to you). I will be talking a lot about my Church and it's relation to the stance on families and if I do not explain myself well enough in my posts, please do ask me questions. Or go to mormon.org or to lds.org  you will get any questions you have answered! I promise! 

WELL! That was long. I hope it wasn't too boring! 

Now back to my blog contemplation...

How do I end these things?