Dad, Daddy, Father, Papa...

Happy late Thanksgiving everyone!! I have had a great couple of days off (minus having three papers due on Monday and my computer continually crashing). Sleeping in until 9 am has been a SERIOUS blessing, especially since coming down with a crazy cough - I need as much sleep as possible. So, I guess if I am going to get sick, the week I don't really go to school would be the perfect one! Also, I can now listen to Christmas music without being yelled at by my roommates! "It's not Christmas time! Let Thanksgiving happen first!" (Excuse me if I wanted to keep the Christmas spirit alive a little longer...) Anyway, now that I have updated you all on my glamorous life, let's get down to business!

Please enjoy this cartoon that I LOVE 

I think that this is a pretty accurate representation of what parenthood is like. "But Emily, you don't have any kids!" Yes, voice in my head, you're right. I don't have any kids. However I do have A LOT of cousins, and my cousins have A LOT of kids, and I have been watching them raise their kiddos for pretty much my whole life. Let me tell you - those little critters keep them on their toes.

Moms and Dads working together to raise their children. That is what Heavenly Father wants us to do. Yes mothers have different primary responsibilities than fathers do, but He wants us to work together no matter what. 

Now, watch this commercial that kind of annoys me: 

 Dad's are not incompetent fools that can barely take care of their children. At least they shouldn't be. However, society, with the great hand of media helping, has created this stereotype that Dads, and men in general, can't do anything right when it comes to the home and their children. Moms are always the ones who get the reputation of the hardest worker, or wearing the pants in the family. That is not to say that moms are not hard workers, but they are not, and should not, be the only ones that do anything around the house.

It just so happens that I wrote a paper on Fatherhood for a class I am taking. Is it weird to quote yourself? It might be, but this is what I said in my paper;

Dad at Olive Garden!

"My own father and I have always had a really good relationship. Dad never finished his degree, but he knows more about cooking, camping, and handy man work than any man I have ever met. From stories I have heard from his past, he has always had a thirst for knowing how to do things. He also has a mind that can figure out how things work just from prior knowledge. My mom often asks him to “jerry – rig” things in the house when they break. He is the only in our household, and the on call handy man for the rest of our extended family. Once on a family vacation, dad fixed the car with a piece of wire he found lying on the side of the rode (just like MacGyver). He is dedicated to everything he wants to learn. When he went to cooking school, he did not miss a single day (even if he was sick) the whole year. He talks about that often and with great pride, so I know it was important to him. My dad is also dedicated to his family. When his sister owned a daycare, when she asked he would dress up as Santa Claus and will go ask the kiddos what they wanted for Christmas. My dad has taught me to put pride into my work, not only for school but for the little fun projects I try on the side. He supported me in every hobby I tried as a kid. He took me to every ballet lesson, every softball practice, and every drama rehearsal. I know that even though they might not have been important to him on their own, he still loved participating in my life, because it was my life, and he loved me. I see now, how important that support is, as I support my friends in the things that they enjoy doing - even if what they love isn't my favorite thing to do."

My dad has always taught me to go outside of my comfort zone. He has always had faith that I can do whatever I set my mind to. I remember when I was in the 8th grade, and they were asking kids to write possible speeches for graduation. I don't know why, but I really wanted to participate. I wanted to write the "theme speech" (which I can't remember for the life of me), and I was getting really discouraged. I didn't know what to write and I didn't want to sound like a fool. Dad came into my room and talked with me about the speech I was trying to write. He encouraged me to keep trying - and even gave me a few ideas that made it into my speech. I read my speech to the principal, vice principal, and a few other people high up in our school, and they said thank you, called me in a few hours later and asked me to read my speech to the whole school and their parents. They assigned me the last slot for talking during the graduation. It was one of the coolest moments in my life, and it was my dad who encouraged me to keep on trying, even when I wanted to quit. 

Another important lesson that my dad has taught me my entire life, is that he loves and cherishes my mom. Literally, every chance he got he told me how much he loved her. I know she felt it too, because she often tells me how cherished she feels by him. That, I think, is one of the most important jobs a dad has - to show his children the love he has for their mother. If I didn't have him - I would have no idea how a man treats his wife. Who knows where I would be right now, if I didn't have his example I would have no idea what qualities I want in my future husband. My mom is the 1st counselor in our ward's Relief Society presidency, and my dad has supported her in every aspect of that calling (Mom doesn't cook...) - even though he really doesn't have to because he is not a part of the Relief Society. However, he does anyway, simply because he loves my mom and would do anything for her.

Holy cow you guys. Dads are so important. Society likes to say that a mom and can be the exact equivalent that a dad is, but it isn't true. Men and women are different. Moms and dads bring different things to the parenting game. Of course, life happens and not everyone is fortunate enough to have a dad to shove them out onto the softball field when they are terrified of getting hit. All families have to work with the life they are given. Girls - look for a man who will be that dad your kids deserve. Boys - decide right now to be man enough to be a good, involved dad. 

Think about Heavenly Father. He is our spiritual dad. When Christ was in the Garden of Gethsemane, he called out "...Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt." (Mark 14:36) I have been told that "Abba" is the equivalent of "Daddy." Christ went to His father, His daddy, to help Him through this incredible task that He knew He had to do. Fathers are there to push us up when we feel inadequate. Heavenly Father did it for Christ, my dad did it for me. Generalization: Moms tend to be much more emotional than dads. Not to say that dads don't love their children, but they sometimes have a bit of a clearer head when it comes to their kids doing hard - but good - things.  

My dad has always been humble about his testimony, and that has taught me that a testimony is not something we brag about. It is something we share, because we feel prompted by the spirit. I am so grateful for my dad, and I know that Heavenly Father sent me to him, so that he could be my dad. So that he could teach me how to grill chicken, bake bread, and make pasta. So that he could take me out on Daddy Daughter dates and show me how I, a Daughter of God, should be treated. So that he can teach me what it means to have a testimony, and love that testimony so it will grow. 

I love my dad, my daddy, my father, my papa. 

Love, Communication and Other Things.

I remember this one time when I was a kid, my parents and I went to Target (a significant life even, I know) and we filled up the cart, and left. I don't really remember every detail of the situation - so it will be hard for me to explain how this happened - but we get out to the car and Mom asks Dad to see the receipt. Dad told her that he didn't have it because she paid for the stuff we bought. "I didn't pay!" Mom told him.... Awkward. So they ran back in with the cart and paid for the things I am sure we needed. 

I am sure you are thinking, "Gee this is going to be a post on honesty, and how honesty is so important, and good, and how it can be used to strengthen a family!"

Wrong!

Sorry to disappoint, but this post is on communication. 

Sound familiar? Communication issues are so funny to u TV watchers, because we can relate to them. Communication is hard.

First, we have to have an idea or feeling that we want to express. Then, we have to encode it into the message. Encoding is sort of like figuring out how we are going to say our idea/feeling. We have to choose the media in which we are going encode our message in (Speech, Facebook Message, text, even no 'communication' at all can be a media). Here is where we run into a bit of a problem. Sometimes, static can get in the way and make our message we are trying to get across, come out unclear. So when the person we are communicating with tries  to decode our message, they might get confused! This person now has to decide what we are saying, and come up with an idea/feeling to communicate back. The whole process starts all over again!

What are the rules of communication? The most confusing thing is that, it is different with everyone. The rules in one family may be totally different than the rules in another. Heck, the rules differ from person to person. The trick is, is when you are decoding a message, it is important take your time. Think about what the other person is trying to say. It is truly okay to ask the other person what they mean before responding - especially when you are getting to know another person. My biggest advice? Take your time to learn others' rules of communication and give them time to learn yours, life will be a lot smoother!

I am going to go off on a bit of a tangent really quick. I love hearing stories other people tell me about how they had a spiritual experience and heard, or felt the presence of a loved one that has passed on in their life. (That sentence was weird... sorry!) Anyway, I thought that I would tell you one of those stories that I experienced just last year.

As many of you know, I have two brothers. Nick is 12 years older than me and Casey is 6 years older. Casey died six months after he was born of congenital heart defects. Around this time last year, I was starting to have a really hard time. I was going through some things that I didn't really want to talk to my roommates about. I remember I was once at a party of sorts. I was withdrawing myself from the group - and just feeling really alone. It was Casey's 25th birthday and I just thought, "Maybe I will reach out to him." I started thinking to my brother, I guess it was kind of a prayer. Two days later - on a Sunday night my lower back spazzed  out. It really hurt - like I could barely walk. My roommate told me a couple of our guy friends were coming over to play games and she asked me if I wanted them to give me a priesthood blessing. Blessings are very sacred to me, and I don't like to ask for them unless I truly feel that I need them. If I were to ask for a blessing of health every time my back hurt, I would be getting blessings every day, and that diminishes the sacredness of them for me. This whole semester I had been fending off my roommates whenever my back hurt - because I knew that whatever pain I was feeling at the time I could handle it - and I would get a blessing when I couldn't handle it anymore. Anyway, she asked me if I wanted a blessing and I thought for a second and something told me I should get one. So, when our friends came over, they gave me a blessing for my back to heal. But then they moved on in their blessing.

The friend who was giving me this blessing, started to tell me everything I needed to hear regarding what I was going through emotionally. He knew nothing about it. Not even my roommates knew anything about it. But Casey did. I felt a spiritual surge run through my body, and I knew Casey was there. I knew that Casey was whispering into my friend's ear the exact words to say - the words that would bring me comfort during a personally hard time.I remember being able to control my tears at the time, but I make no promises when I retell it. That moment in time grew my testimony in so many amazing ways. My testimony grew regarding the priesthood, and I was so grateful that the young man who gave me my blessing was worthy enough to hear what Casey needed him to tell me. My testimony grew  regarding veil that separates this world from the spiritual, and how thin it really is. Also, I truly knew that Heavenly Father listens to my heart, and my silent pleas for comfort.

I bet you are wondering, what does this have to do with communication? We need to communicate not only with the people around us, but with our Father in Heaven. He knows us better than we even know ourselves. He knows our hearts, and He sends the people who we love, and who love us, to us in our time of need. However, we have to be willing to accept the hands He reaches out to us. Talk to God. If you don't know what to say, just tell Him about your day. Believe me, once the words start flowing between you and Heavenly Father, they will be hard to stop.

Today is Casey's 26th birthday. A year ago today I was feeling alone, dark and sad. I am happy to say that my brother has told me when I need a blessing when I am being stubborn, and I know that he is always with the men who give them to me. Whether it is my Dad, friends or home teachers. I love my brothers, and even though Casey is gone, I know he will always be there for me to talk to.

Happy birthday big brother.

Coping With Crap

Lesson on how to be a complete dork: In my bedroom we have these swivel desk chairs and a common practice for me to avoid my homework is to spin around in them. Well, this time I was leaning my head back and I was perhaps too close to my bed that had my backpack on it. Long story short; my spinning was cut short by my hair getting caught in the zipper of my backpack. I started laughing like a crazy person at my own situation and started trying to get my hair un-caught, but I couldn't! For a good 20 seconds my hair was stuck in this zipper! "I can't get it out!" I told my roommate and she was on her way to help me before I set myself free from the zipper's clutches.

Okay, now that I have learned that avoiding my homework will have dire consequences not only to my hair but to my pride, on to my post!

Almost a year ago, my mother found a suspicious lump under her arm. She had it biopsied - just to make sure and the doctor told her that they would get back to her as soon as possible because she knew how worried my mom was about this one. Maybe mom was worried because that's what we Barrow women are - worriers. Or maybe it was because her sweet sister had been fighting breast cancer since 2002 and within the last year and a half had been diagnosed with metastatic disease. Nevertheless, they had her sample and were just going to make sure. 

When I got accepted to BYU-Idaho, I was assigned the Fall - Spring track. This means that I go to school mid-September to mid-December and I have January to mid-April off from school, and go back mid-April to mid-July (I know it sounds confusing but trust me, it's important to the story!). Anyway, so pretty much the day after my mom had her biopsy, (this was in January, so I was home) she was sitting in my room, on my bed like always and we were just talking. I love talking to my mom, it is quite literally my favorite pass time. She understands me like no one else and I get to be myself 100% when around her. While we were visiting (probably for the third time that day) she got a call on her cell phone. It was the doctor. My mom has her volume up really high on her phone, and naturally I am going to listen in. I hear her doctor tell her "...Unfortunately the mass is cancer..." and it felt like time was stopping. Mom got up and left the room while still on the phone and I just sat there - feeling the process of my heart falling from my chest and into my stomach. All I knew was that my mommy had cancer. How serious is it? Can they take care of it? Will she have to have a mastectomy? Does she need chemotherapy? Radiation? What if I am not here when she gets her treatment, and she needs me? What if? What if? What if?

I gathered myself up as best I could, and went to my mom's room. She sat there on her bed and finished her conversation with the doctor. Mom ended her conversation and we sat there in silence for a second. "Invasive Ductal Carcinoma" she told me. She explained that her doctor told her that if you had to get breast cancer, this was the kind you wanted. It was stage 1 (Stage 2 after she had her lumpectomy and the surgeon saw the size and found out that it had spread to one lymph node). Honestly I can't remember what happened until Dad got home. He came into the house being his usual, cheerful self, until he saw us and asked us what was wrong. We told him and he automatically hugged my mom. She cried into him and I, sitting on the floor, finally started to cry. Once it had sunk in a little and Mom told Dad everything she knew, we all immediately started to think of as many positives as we could. "I am older than Shelley when she first got diagnosed..." and on she went with the positives and the tender mercies that came along with this frightening situation. One of those tender mercies was that I was home and not in school when we found out. I am certain Heavenly Father knew that if I were at school instead of home during this hard time - I would have been freaking out. 

We all took a few days to let it sink in. Then the jokes began. In my family, we joke about serious situations to help us cope. Don't think that this diminishes the seriousness of our family crisis', or that we are in denial about what is happening - because we aren't. We all knew and accepted that mom had breast cancer. It took a few months to figure out her treatment plan and what it would do to her and we had some really - truly hard times. Lots of tears were shed. However tears weren't shed everyday. Mom decided to treat herself to a wig and some knit caps, because she heard that when you're bald your head gets cold at night. She got all of these really cute head wraps, and beanies. I got the opportunity to take her to her first chemo treatment, about three weeks before I left again for school. 

First day of Chemo! (We got See's Candy after...)

                                                       
She shaved her head before I left, because she didn't want to deal with it falling out - and really who blames her? I came home from spending a day with some friends and she was sitting on her bed, bald. Dad was sitting next to her and he said, "Look at how cute your mom is!" My mom said, "We decided I look like a q-tip!" Then we put a little red night cap on and decided she now looked like a match stick! We all laughed because it was true - she did!  

There is a lot I am leaving out because well, this is a blog post and not a book. My point here in sharing this story is how my family coped with this crisis, and also how we have coped with every other scary situation throughout my entire life. First we take it in and talk about all of the blessings we have - despite this new trial. We also talk a lot about it as a family. Something I have always appreciated is that my parents don't hide things from me, and I don't hide things from them. We always talk about how much Heavenly Father has blessed us. We don't have just one of these conversations, but many sporadically. When we aren't having our serious discussions, we are joking. Who wants to live in despair forever? Not this family! 

This describes our relationship!

Trials are going to come up in your family. It is a sad thought but there is no way around it. Sometimes when trials come up, families are put through the ringer and torn apart because they didn't have a plan beforehand. Have a plan. You know how in school, they have what feels like a million fire drills where everybody lines up outside with their class, and they are counted by the teacher to make sure nobody got lost in the mix? Do that. Talk about with your spouse how you will react to future crisis. Is my family's way the only way? No, it isn't. Do what works for your family, listen to each other, listen to their needs. Don't let anyone - including yourself - get lost in the mix. Be honest with your spouse, with your kids, and with yourself. Chances are, Heavenly Father is sending you these trials in order to prepare you for another one down the road.

We have a girl from Hong Kong in our class, and my teacher asked her to come up to the board and write the word "crisis" in Chinese. She did and it was pointed out that the word was two different symbols. The first meant "danger" and the second meant "opportunity." Don't let your family fall apart in the face of adversity. Let the crisis bring your family closer together.

Oh Yeah, we're REAL serious.

Dad is so 'fly'

One last thing: My mom recently told me that be diagnosed with cancer was a tender mercy. When she found out that she would need to around five months of chemotherapy and 6 weeks of radiation she told her oncologist about her sick sister who lived in London and asked if she would be able to travel there if she was needed. The doctor told mom that once treatment began she would not be able to leave the country and advised her plan a trip soon. Mom left for London on the 27th of February, and a week after being there (March 7th) Aunt Shelley was hospitalized for pain management. On the 9th they were told her cancer had spread and they could no longer treat it. Mom spent day and night with her until she had to come home to begin her own treatment on March 17th. My Aunt Shelley died on March 20th with my Aunt Margo at her side. My mom tells me that it was one of the greatest blessings of her life to spend that time with her sister. If she hadn't of gotten cancer, she wouldn't have been with Shelley because she didn't realize how sick Shelley actually was, at the time no one really did. 

The bottom line is that Heavenly Father blesses us in our trials. He was there with my family every step of the way lining our path with tender mercies and love. I have no doubt in my heart that He always will be.   

There is No "Fine" in Infidelity

When I was 16 years old, my Bishop asked me to give a talk to our entire congregation on the Law of Chastity. I love my Bishop - I really do, but really? I was 16! I did not want to get up there in front of the people who I have have known since I was six years old, and give them "the sex talk" - I was pretty sure they all knew sex before marriage is against The Lord's teachings. I didn't feel uncomfortable because I thought the doctrine was wrong, I felt uncomfortable because sex is an awkward topic. Especially for a 16 year old girl who has had less than zero experience with this specific topic. (Honestly, nothing has changed in the last four years...) However, I did it, with as much confidence as an awkward little 16 year old could muster. I obviously made it through alive. This specific blog post is not 100% about 'not having sex before you are married'. At the same time, however, I find myself having to talk about a subject that is hard. I am not sure how easy it will be for me to make light of this subject, because of its importance and sacred nature.

A lot of people think that infidelity only happens when one spouse has sexual relations with  someone from outside of their marriage. Although this act is against what Christ teaches us, and it is heart wrenching for the spouse, sex outside of the marriage is not the only form of infidelity. Let's pause and think about what "fidelity" means. I looked up synonyms for this word (you can find them all here) and the many words that stood out to me were, devotion, loyalty, faith and integrity. Fidelity to your spouse is not just being committed to them in the bedroom, but in every single aspect of your lives.

There are different forms of infidelity. One is through thoughts. Now, is it okay to acknowledged another person's good looks? Sure! In my opinion, it is not detrimental to a marriage if one spouse says to the other, "Hey look at that person, they're really cute," and leave it at that. The problem is when you allow yourself to linger on those thoughts. When you fantasize about that person outside of your marriage, wishing you were with them instead of with your spouse - that is a form of infidelity.

Another type of infidelity to be cautious of, is visual. Pornography, ogling the people around you and sexually explicit literature can all be forms of  visual infidelity. One problem with pornography and sexual literature is it can give the viewer false thoughts on what their spouse should look and act like. Get ready for a generalization: Men tend to lean toward pornography and women tend to lean toward sexual literature (Romantic Novels). The more pornography a man views, the more conditioned he becomes to believe that sex is something he should get all the time, no matter what. He starts to believe that women are always supposed to have a certain body type and image, that normal women are supposed to be "sexed up" in order to be appealing. Once they start to believe this, they might not find their wife attractive, and could start to seek sexual satisfaction elsewhere. Women are more likely to read "romantic novels" where hot men are kind and considerate to the heroine 100% of the time, filling both her emotional and sexual needs. These women start to become conditioned too, wishing that their husbands were more like the men they read about in their books. Women in pornography, and men in sexual literature are not real. They are all characters, made up so that companies can sell movies, pictures, magazines and books. There is nothing better, than the real thing.

The last form of infidelity (I am sure there are more) I am going to talk about, is romantic infidelity. This one is a little harder to recognize. We are around people all day, everyday. Whether it be at work, school, Church, the play ground with our kids - even on social. Sometimes, we just can't avoid being alone with the opposite sex. I am not saying that humans are animals, and if they are alone they will automatically get physically intimate. However, what I am saying, is that people do talk. What is so harmful about conversion? Well, there is nothing wrong with chatting. "Hey my kid's softball team won the championships!" "Awesome! Tell the little guy congrats!" Not a big deal. However when you cross the line of friendly banter into more intimate conversation, is when you need to tread lightly. It is simply not appropriate to share you personal feelings, dreams, insecurities, and so on, with someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse. When you do that with someone else, you make begin to compare how they treat you feelings, with how your spouse treats your feelings, "Why can't my husband listen to me like Joe at the office does..." Then, you begin to develop inappropriate feelings. I am sure some of you are thinking, "Oh please, there is nothing wrong with have opposite-gender friends. I am a woman (or man) of the 21st century, I can control myself!" Think about it this way, would you rather have an intimate friendship, or an intimate, lasting marriage? Never let yourself be alone with someone who is not your spouse. Nothing will happen right off the bat, but the more time and energy you put into that relationship, the less time there will be for your own marriage. I understand that no marriage is perfect, and sometimes we just need to vent to a good friend. However be careful when you choose that friend. Make sure you pick someone who knows and loves you both so that you can get an honest response to your venting.

70% of marriages who have a spouse that has cheated, stay married. Personally, I think that is amazing and I applaud these couples. I have a testimony of the Atonement, and that Christ suffered and died for our sins, so that we can repent and become better human beings. Infidelity - in any form - is so betraying and hard, and it is very hard for me to tell you all that if your spouse cheats on you - forgive right away. I don't think Christ would tell you to do that. If your spouse wants to repent and wants to work on the marriage with Christ in the middle of it, then that might be an indicator that they are really heartbroken over what they have done. My biggest advice - because I know that every situation is 100% different - is that you keep the commandments, you keep your covenants, and you stay loyal to not only your spouse, but to Heavenly Father. One thing I truly believe is that no matter how messy and confusing things get on this earth, Heavenly Father will sort everything out in the Spirit World to give those who follow His commandments and gospel principles every blessing He can.

I have tried with all my other posts, to make them fun, and entertaining (hopefully I have been successful!). I know this post was no fun. I wanted to give this topic the reverence that it deserves, because there are real people out there, hurting at the hand of infidelity.

Be smart with your relationships, the way you spend your time, and try your hardest to make sure that Christ is at the center of your marriage.