Coping With Crap

Lesson on how to be a complete dork: In my bedroom we have these swivel desk chairs and a common practice for me to avoid my homework is to spin around in them. Well, this time I was leaning my head back and I was perhaps too close to my bed that had my backpack on it. Long story short; my spinning was cut short by my hair getting caught in the zipper of my backpack. I started laughing like a crazy person at my own situation and started trying to get my hair un-caught, but I couldn't! For a good 20 seconds my hair was stuck in this zipper! "I can't get it out!" I told my roommate and she was on her way to help me before I set myself free from the zipper's clutches.

Okay, now that I have learned that avoiding my homework will have dire consequences not only to my hair but to my pride, on to my post!

Almost a year ago, my mother found a suspicious lump under her arm. She had it biopsied - just to make sure and the doctor told her that they would get back to her as soon as possible because she knew how worried my mom was about this one. Maybe mom was worried because that's what we Barrow women are - worriers. Or maybe it was because her sweet sister had been fighting breast cancer since 2002 and within the last year and a half had been diagnosed with metastatic disease. Nevertheless, they had her sample and were just going to make sure. 

When I got accepted to BYU-Idaho, I was assigned the Fall - Spring track. This means that I go to school mid-September to mid-December and I have January to mid-April off from school, and go back mid-April to mid-July (I know it sounds confusing but trust me, it's important to the story!). Anyway, so pretty much the day after my mom had her biopsy, (this was in January, so I was home) she was sitting in my room, on my bed like always and we were just talking. I love talking to my mom, it is quite literally my favorite pass time. She understands me like no one else and I get to be myself 100% when around her. While we were visiting (probably for the third time that day) she got a call on her cell phone. It was the doctor. My mom has her volume up really high on her phone, and naturally I am going to listen in. I hear her doctor tell her "...Unfortunately the mass is cancer..." and it felt like time was stopping. Mom got up and left the room while still on the phone and I just sat there - feeling the process of my heart falling from my chest and into my stomach. All I knew was that my mommy had cancer. How serious is it? Can they take care of it? Will she have to have a mastectomy? Does she need chemotherapy? Radiation? What if I am not here when she gets her treatment, and she needs me? What if? What if? What if?

I gathered myself up as best I could, and went to my mom's room. She sat there on her bed and finished her conversation with the doctor. Mom ended her conversation and we sat there in silence for a second. "Invasive Ductal Carcinoma" she told me. She explained that her doctor told her that if you had to get breast cancer, this was the kind you wanted. It was stage 1 (Stage 2 after she had her lumpectomy and the surgeon saw the size and found out that it had spread to one lymph node). Honestly I can't remember what happened until Dad got home. He came into the house being his usual, cheerful self, until he saw us and asked us what was wrong. We told him and he automatically hugged my mom. She cried into him and I, sitting on the floor, finally started to cry. Once it had sunk in a little and Mom told Dad everything she knew, we all immediately started to think of as many positives as we could. "I am older than Shelley when she first got diagnosed..." and on she went with the positives and the tender mercies that came along with this frightening situation. One of those tender mercies was that I was home and not in school when we found out. I am certain Heavenly Father knew that if I were at school instead of home during this hard time - I would have been freaking out. 

We all took a few days to let it sink in. Then the jokes began. In my family, we joke about serious situations to help us cope. Don't think that this diminishes the seriousness of our family crisis', or that we are in denial about what is happening - because we aren't. We all knew and accepted that mom had breast cancer. It took a few months to figure out her treatment plan and what it would do to her and we had some really - truly hard times. Lots of tears were shed. However tears weren't shed everyday. Mom decided to treat herself to a wig and some knit caps, because she heard that when you're bald your head gets cold at night. She got all of these really cute head wraps, and beanies. I got the opportunity to take her to her first chemo treatment, about three weeks before I left again for school. 

First day of Chemo! (We got See's Candy after...)

                                                       
She shaved her head before I left, because she didn't want to deal with it falling out - and really who blames her? I came home from spending a day with some friends and she was sitting on her bed, bald. Dad was sitting next to her and he said, "Look at how cute your mom is!" My mom said, "We decided I look like a q-tip!" Then we put a little red night cap on and decided she now looked like a match stick! We all laughed because it was true - she did!  

There is a lot I am leaving out because well, this is a blog post and not a book. My point here in sharing this story is how my family coped with this crisis, and also how we have coped with every other scary situation throughout my entire life. First we take it in and talk about all of the blessings we have - despite this new trial. We also talk a lot about it as a family. Something I have always appreciated is that my parents don't hide things from me, and I don't hide things from them. We always talk about how much Heavenly Father has blessed us. We don't have just one of these conversations, but many sporadically. When we aren't having our serious discussions, we are joking. Who wants to live in despair forever? Not this family! 

This describes our relationship!

Trials are going to come up in your family. It is a sad thought but there is no way around it. Sometimes when trials come up, families are put through the ringer and torn apart because they didn't have a plan beforehand. Have a plan. You know how in school, they have what feels like a million fire drills where everybody lines up outside with their class, and they are counted by the teacher to make sure nobody got lost in the mix? Do that. Talk about with your spouse how you will react to future crisis. Is my family's way the only way? No, it isn't. Do what works for your family, listen to each other, listen to their needs. Don't let anyone - including yourself - get lost in the mix. Be honest with your spouse, with your kids, and with yourself. Chances are, Heavenly Father is sending you these trials in order to prepare you for another one down the road.

We have a girl from Hong Kong in our class, and my teacher asked her to come up to the board and write the word "crisis" in Chinese. She did and it was pointed out that the word was two different symbols. The first meant "danger" and the second meant "opportunity." Don't let your family fall apart in the face of adversity. Let the crisis bring your family closer together.

Oh Yeah, we're REAL serious.

Dad is so 'fly'

One last thing: My mom recently told me that be diagnosed with cancer was a tender mercy. When she found out that she would need to around five months of chemotherapy and 6 weeks of radiation she told her oncologist about her sick sister who lived in London and asked if she would be able to travel there if she was needed. The doctor told mom that once treatment began she would not be able to leave the country and advised her plan a trip soon. Mom left for London on the 27th of February, and a week after being there (March 7th) Aunt Shelley was hospitalized for pain management. On the 9th they were told her cancer had spread and they could no longer treat it. Mom spent day and night with her until she had to come home to begin her own treatment on March 17th. My Aunt Shelley died on March 20th with my Aunt Margo at her side. My mom tells me that it was one of the greatest blessings of her life to spend that time with her sister. If she hadn't of gotten cancer, she wouldn't have been with Shelley because she didn't realize how sick Shelley actually was, at the time no one really did. 

The bottom line is that Heavenly Father blesses us in our trials. He was there with my family every step of the way lining our path with tender mercies and love. I have no doubt in my heart that He always will be.