Who Needs Contention? Not This Girl!

This week in class we talked about divorce and remarriage. I have been dreading this blog post all week, because I don't really feel adequate to do this topic justice. I haven't been divorced, and  my parents haven't been divorced. I know that I am going to school to become a Marriage and Family Therapist, but this is only my first semester technically learning about the family! So please cut me some slack.


Tips On How to Treat Your Spouse (and Anyone Else In Your Life):

1. Ephesians 4:29 - Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. 

       Yesterday was a pretty crappy day for me. It is pre-finals week, and if a brain could explode from stress, there would be brain guts all over my bedroom. So long story short, like every college student during this time of year, I am stressed. So, going to the very class I write this blog for, I decided I would be lazy and take the elevator. As I was waiting for it, my professor walked by and we exchange hellos. He asked me how school was going, and I said with a strained grin planted on my face, "Oh, just dandy!" He stopped and asked me if I was being serious or sarcastic. I told him the truth, I was in fact, being sarcastic (it is truly one of my super powers). I go to class and he brings up this scripture and says, "When we are sarcastic, we are telling a lie." I have never really thought about it like that before. I know that my telling him I was "just dandy" when I actually wasn't, didn't hurt anyone. However, it made me think about my "super power" and how it can really be used to hurt other people.
    This scripture is telling us all, to never let anything that won't do any good come out of our mouths. I went on a rant the other day on Twitter about how I am not going to be teaching my kids, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," because that is so untrue. Words hurt. They sting. They bite. They beat down on our self esteem and feelings. That isn't Christlike - not in the slightest. So this is something that I need to work on.
    The second half of this scripture tells us to always try and say things that will be good, uplifting and edifying. When I was a kid, a friend of mine invited me over to her house and asked me what I thought of her new paint color in her room. I told her what I thought (it wasn't very nice at all) and I hurt her feelings. My mom explained to me what it meant to be tactful. She taught me the importance of being kind, even when we don't have good things to say all of the time.
    How does this help in a marriage? Try your hardest to think about what you say before you say it. Ask, "Will this help the situation? Will it hurt my spouse?" I know that in a marriage, you have to talk about hard things with your spouse, so my counsel is to pray for the spirit to be there when you approach your spouse about a problem. Think about the way you phrase things too. "Shut your mouth when you chew! It is so annoying and loud!" hurts a whole lot more than, "Hey hun, do you think you could try to close your mouth when you chew?"

2. Ephesians 4:31 - Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice.

   My brother makes some really unfortunate choices in his life. So much so, that during my last month at home before I went away to college for the first time, I didn't speak to him. I ignored him whenever he was home. I hated being close to him. I held bitterness toward him. I acted out at him out of wrath instead of love. I was angry beyond all belief. Accusations flew from my mouth. Then, about a week before I left, something happened. I realized that life is too short for me to be so angry with him. For me to be building this tension in our relationship. It already had enough of that, and it didn't need me to add to the fire. So I tried to be encouraging and loving toward my brother. I tried to get rid of all those awful feelings, so that I could love him, with not only a sisterly love, but also a Christlike love. When someone hurts you, it is really hard to not be angry with them. Yes, be angry for a bit. Feel those feelings. However, get rid of them as fast as they came. If you do that, then your heart and soul will be free to love. Let me tell you, love and laughter are a lot more fulfilling than anger and screaming.
  What does this have to do with marriage? It has a lot to do with it. Yes, we get angry with our spouses, that is an inevitable occurrence in a marriage. However, to hold onto those feelings is harmful. Not only harmful to your marriage, but to you. Holding onto these feelings is easier than forgiving, but it puts a darkness in our souls that brings us down. A marriage where there are not grudges, is the best kind of marriage. So when something is bothering you, take a step back, breathe, seek the spirit, and talk to your spouse with love. The grudge isn't worth it.

3. Ephesians 4:32 - And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even God for Christ's sake has forgiven you.

   Everything that I have talked about so far, ties back into forgiveness. We are all sinners. When we sin, we feel awful. All we want to is to be forgiven. However, when someone else does wrong to us we don't want to give them that same credit (generalization alert). I am not chastising you, my four readers. It is so hard for me to forgive those who have wronged me (as you could see in my previous example). Not harboring anger towards someone goes hand in hand with forgiving them. However, once that anger has thoroughly eaten me up inside, and made me miserable, I usually humble myself enough to get down on my knees and ask my Heavenly Father and my elder brother Jesus Christ for their help to literally forgive and forget. Pride is not a good thing, especially when it comes to forgiveness.
 EVERYONE SINS. EVEN YOUR SPOUSE. EVEN YOU. Neither of you are perfect. Don't expect their forgiveness and then deny them your own. Like I said, everything I talked about earlier ties in with forgiveness, and that is why I am having such a hard time writing more, because I have already said it!

These principles are so important to a marriage, Mormon or not. Religious or not. Marriage takes real, hard work. So be kind when you talk to your spouse. Don't use mean and contentious words. Follow the commandments together, as well as on your own. Don't harbor anger or bitterness (it takes way to much energy anyway). Lastly, forgive. Forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive.

Don't give up on your spouse.

Hang In There Mom and Dad, You Got This!

Everybody has goals... right? I have a goal to become a therapist one day. I have another far (far) off goal to be able to be a foster mom for dogs (if you know me, you understand). (My Dad has a goal. My Mom has a goal.) I have a friend who has a goal to go to China this winter and teach the kids English. The point is, we all have goals in our lives that we want to meet.

What happens to us when our goals aren't met? We get disappointed in ourselves. We might also feel sad, angry, or discouraged among a lot of other negative emotions. We might act differently than we normally would. I know that when I was in high school and I didn't meet my goal of passing Geometry, I was pretty upset, not really surprised at my grade, but still unhappy with myself. Think back to a time when you didn't achieve a goal you had. You worked really hard on it too. Think about that feeling for a second. 

I'll wait....

Done? Great! That is also how teenagers feel when their goals aren't met. Therapist Michael Popkin says, after years of research, that teens have five main goals, and these are goals that they probably don't even know they are trying to meet. However, just because they don't know they are trying to meet these goals, doesn't mean they don't react negatively when they aren't achieved. I will give you a brief look at what three of these goals are, how you can tell if these goals aren't being met, and what you can do to help you're kiddo out, because let me just tell you in case you don't remember, being a teenager is tuff stuff. So I will say it because chances are your teen won't, WE NEED YOUR HELP. Get ready to get learned, yo.

Contact/Belonging

If you have experience with younger kids, you know how much they want to help you do stuff. "Can I mix the eggs together!?" "Can I get you a cup of water?!" "Can I make you a plastic dinner that you will pretend to eat, and I will take it back and give it to you so we can repeat the whole process?!" "Can I help change the oil in the car?!" Maybe not the last one, but you see the idea. It is essential for everyone to feel like they are important and contributing to the family. Also, everybody needs loving physical contact and attention. These two things, feeling like they contribute to the family and positive attention, are really important not just for teens, but for everyone. If your kid isn't getting enough of either, then they might start to rebel, silently hoping that they will get SOME sort of attention from someone. I understand that some families need to keep their focus on a certain child due to a physical or emotional handicap. However, if you notice that one of your kids is starting to act out and no amount of finger wagging is getting them to stop, then maybe you might want to start thanking them for all they do. Even if they aren't really doing much, find something, no matter how small, that you can thank them for. "Hey Bobby, thank you so much for taking the trash out tonight. It really helped me to not have it sitting in the corner stinking up the house, and I was able to think about other things. You're awesome!" Nobody wants to feel useless, and chances are the more your kid feels involved with the family, the less they will act out and the more they will help out. Also, giving your teen some one on one time will help out tremendously. Give them time with you where you do something they are interested in together and don't talk about anyone else, except for them. This will give them an opportunity to see that you really do love and care about them. Then they won't literally be starving for any kind of attention.

Power
"Are you kidding me, Emily? My teen needs less power in their lives, not more." Well hypothetical parent, you are wrong. Teens already have their life ruled by adults, and they are frustrated because they feel like they need room to grow and make their own choices, and yet they aren't totally ready to take on that kind of complete responsibility yet. When kids aren't having their "power" goal met, they might start to rebel here too, or become controlling over the lives of other people. If teenagers start to feel like they have no control over their lives (because their teachers, and parents are making all the choices for them) they could start to look for situations where they can make their own choices. Those choices might not be what the parent wants, because the teen is trying to have some form of control. So what can you do? Give them some of their own power. I remember when I was senior in high school, and I was taking a Spanish class that was kicking my butt. I did't feel like I was learning anything and that I was wasting my time. So when the semester ended I talked to my parents about dropping the Spanish class and taking a Photoshop class instead. I talked through the pros and cons with them and in the end, mom and dad said they trusted me to make the choice that was best for me. Do you know how good that felt? My parents trusted me to have power in my life. I decided the Spanish class was too much stress and dropped it. Obviously your teen needs structure and I am not telling you to let them run naked in the woods, but give them, as well as your other kids, chances to make choices for themselves. If they choices have consequences that they can't see, let the consequences happen. Only step in when those natural consequences are too dangerous, are too far off for the teen to see, and when others will be affected. Since my quitting Spanish wasn't dangerous, probably wouldn't affect me later in life, and didn't effect others, mom and dad let me call this one on my own. Letting your teens call things on their own once and awhile will be very beneficial to their development.

Withdrawal
Just this last Monday, I sat down to work on a paper that I have been working on for weeks. Can I just tell you how sick and tired I am of working on this thing? I just wanted to fix what my professor told me to fix and be on my way. I sat there for two hours, agonizing over this thing. If a brain could melt due to stress, I am pretty sure that is what it would have felt like. I eventually gave up thinking:
                                                                   
I needed a break. Everybody needs a break or else they will go insane working on their task and will eventually give up. Teach your kid the importance of withdrawing from tasks, taking a break, and "diving" back into work with a refreshed mind. If your teen is working on a school project, or your youth group is doing a service project and in both cases it looks like they are getting burned out, suggest a break to regroup. Kids, teens, adults - everybody needs to learn how to take a healthy break and get back to work. (My parents did teach me how to do this, I was just so done with this paper I wanted to finish it right then and there.)

The other two goals teens want to meet are feelings of protection and challenge. Teens want to know you are there for them, and that you will protect them when times get tough, and also that you are always going to forgive them if they mess up. Also, teens need to feel challenged. When they accomplish something hard, it gives them a great feeling, and they know they can do more hard things. Challenge your teens, and tell them you are proud all their hard work afterwards.

"Emily. You, my dear, are not a parent. How do you know what my teenager needs?" You guys, I am still a teenager. Only for about eight more months, but high school was not that long ago for me, and my frontal cortex (the one that helps me make rational choices and such) is still developing and won't be done for a few more years. Also, not only do teens need this stuff, but little kids, middle schoolers and adults need it too. These principles are interchangeable between the ages - how cool is that!

If your teen is acting out, please don't take it to personally. They love you. They need you. Some teens don't want to admit it, so that is why I am here! To tell you that they do still need you. They need your love, support and guidance, and they always will. No matter how old we get, we will always need our Heavenly Father. He doesn't leave us on our own when we turn 18, 21, 30, 50, 70, or 90. Just think about Adam from the bible. He lived to be almost 1,000 years old! Did Heavenly Father leave him alone?

So to sum up: Give your teen special attention. Make sure they know they are an asset to the family. Give them guidelines, but unless it is detrimental to their health, safety, future, or others, let them make their own choices and suffer the consequences. Make sure they know it is okay to break from a task every once in awhile. Give them a sense of protection and love. Help them to challenge themselves. Don't forget that they will always love you. Don't forget what it was like to be a teenager with all those crazy hormones running amuck in your body.

Give them some slack and understanding when they mess up. Heaven knows we are all still learning, and Heaven also knows Heavenly Father never gives up on us - so don't give up on your teen.

Dad, Daddy, Father, Papa...

Happy late Thanksgiving everyone!! I have had a great couple of days off (minus having three papers due on Monday and my computer continually crashing). Sleeping in until 9 am has been a SERIOUS blessing, especially since coming down with a crazy cough - I need as much sleep as possible. So, I guess if I am going to get sick, the week I don't really go to school would be the perfect one! Also, I can now listen to Christmas music without being yelled at by my roommates! "It's not Christmas time! Let Thanksgiving happen first!" (Excuse me if I wanted to keep the Christmas spirit alive a little longer...) Anyway, now that I have updated you all on my glamorous life, let's get down to business!

Please enjoy this cartoon that I LOVE 

I think that this is a pretty accurate representation of what parenthood is like. "But Emily, you don't have any kids!" Yes, voice in my head, you're right. I don't have any kids. However I do have A LOT of cousins, and my cousins have A LOT of kids, and I have been watching them raise their kiddos for pretty much my whole life. Let me tell you - those little critters keep them on their toes.

Moms and Dads working together to raise their children. That is what Heavenly Father wants us to do. Yes mothers have different primary responsibilities than fathers do, but He wants us to work together no matter what. 

Now, watch this commercial that kind of annoys me: 

 Dad's are not incompetent fools that can barely take care of their children. At least they shouldn't be. However, society, with the great hand of media helping, has created this stereotype that Dads, and men in general, can't do anything right when it comes to the home and their children. Moms are always the ones who get the reputation of the hardest worker, or wearing the pants in the family. That is not to say that moms are not hard workers, but they are not, and should not, be the only ones that do anything around the house.

It just so happens that I wrote a paper on Fatherhood for a class I am taking. Is it weird to quote yourself? It might be, but this is what I said in my paper;

Dad at Olive Garden!

"My own father and I have always had a really good relationship. Dad never finished his degree, but he knows more about cooking, camping, and handy man work than any man I have ever met. From stories I have heard from his past, he has always had a thirst for knowing how to do things. He also has a mind that can figure out how things work just from prior knowledge. My mom often asks him to “jerry – rig” things in the house when they break. He is the only in our household, and the on call handy man for the rest of our extended family. Once on a family vacation, dad fixed the car with a piece of wire he found lying on the side of the rode (just like MacGyver). He is dedicated to everything he wants to learn. When he went to cooking school, he did not miss a single day (even if he was sick) the whole year. He talks about that often and with great pride, so I know it was important to him. My dad is also dedicated to his family. When his sister owned a daycare, when she asked he would dress up as Santa Claus and will go ask the kiddos what they wanted for Christmas. My dad has taught me to put pride into my work, not only for school but for the little fun projects I try on the side. He supported me in every hobby I tried as a kid. He took me to every ballet lesson, every softball practice, and every drama rehearsal. I know that even though they might not have been important to him on their own, he still loved participating in my life, because it was my life, and he loved me. I see now, how important that support is, as I support my friends in the things that they enjoy doing - even if what they love isn't my favorite thing to do."

My dad has always taught me to go outside of my comfort zone. He has always had faith that I can do whatever I set my mind to. I remember when I was in the 8th grade, and they were asking kids to write possible speeches for graduation. I don't know why, but I really wanted to participate. I wanted to write the "theme speech" (which I can't remember for the life of me), and I was getting really discouraged. I didn't know what to write and I didn't want to sound like a fool. Dad came into my room and talked with me about the speech I was trying to write. He encouraged me to keep trying - and even gave me a few ideas that made it into my speech. I read my speech to the principal, vice principal, and a few other people high up in our school, and they said thank you, called me in a few hours later and asked me to read my speech to the whole school and their parents. They assigned me the last slot for talking during the graduation. It was one of the coolest moments in my life, and it was my dad who encouraged me to keep on trying, even when I wanted to quit. 

Another important lesson that my dad has taught me my entire life, is that he loves and cherishes my mom. Literally, every chance he got he told me how much he loved her. I know she felt it too, because she often tells me how cherished she feels by him. That, I think, is one of the most important jobs a dad has - to show his children the love he has for their mother. If I didn't have him - I would have no idea how a man treats his wife. Who knows where I would be right now, if I didn't have his example I would have no idea what qualities I want in my future husband. My mom is the 1st counselor in our ward's Relief Society presidency, and my dad has supported her in every aspect of that calling (Mom doesn't cook...) - even though he really doesn't have to because he is not a part of the Relief Society. However, he does anyway, simply because he loves my mom and would do anything for her.

Holy cow you guys. Dads are so important. Society likes to say that a mom and can be the exact equivalent that a dad is, but it isn't true. Men and women are different. Moms and dads bring different things to the parenting game. Of course, life happens and not everyone is fortunate enough to have a dad to shove them out onto the softball field when they are terrified of getting hit. All families have to work with the life they are given. Girls - look for a man who will be that dad your kids deserve. Boys - decide right now to be man enough to be a good, involved dad. 

Think about Heavenly Father. He is our spiritual dad. When Christ was in the Garden of Gethsemane, he called out "...Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt." (Mark 14:36) I have been told that "Abba" is the equivalent of "Daddy." Christ went to His father, His daddy, to help Him through this incredible task that He knew He had to do. Fathers are there to push us up when we feel inadequate. Heavenly Father did it for Christ, my dad did it for me. Generalization: Moms tend to be much more emotional than dads. Not to say that dads don't love their children, but they sometimes have a bit of a clearer head when it comes to their kids doing hard - but good - things.  

My dad has always been humble about his testimony, and that has taught me that a testimony is not something we brag about. It is something we share, because we feel prompted by the spirit. I am so grateful for my dad, and I know that Heavenly Father sent me to him, so that he could be my dad. So that he could teach me how to grill chicken, bake bread, and make pasta. So that he could take me out on Daddy Daughter dates and show me how I, a Daughter of God, should be treated. So that he can teach me what it means to have a testimony, and love that testimony so it will grow. 

I love my dad, my daddy, my father, my papa. 

Love, Communication and Other Things.

I remember this one time when I was a kid, my parents and I went to Target (a significant life even, I know) and we filled up the cart, and left. I don't really remember every detail of the situation - so it will be hard for me to explain how this happened - but we get out to the car and Mom asks Dad to see the receipt. Dad told her that he didn't have it because she paid for the stuff we bought. "I didn't pay!" Mom told him.... Awkward. So they ran back in with the cart and paid for the things I am sure we needed. 

I am sure you are thinking, "Gee this is going to be a post on honesty, and how honesty is so important, and good, and how it can be used to strengthen a family!"

Wrong!

Sorry to disappoint, but this post is on communication. 

Sound familiar? Communication issues are so funny to u TV watchers, because we can relate to them. Communication is hard.

First, we have to have an idea or feeling that we want to express. Then, we have to encode it into the message. Encoding is sort of like figuring out how we are going to say our idea/feeling. We have to choose the media in which we are going encode our message in (Speech, Facebook Message, text, even no 'communication' at all can be a media). Here is where we run into a bit of a problem. Sometimes, static can get in the way and make our message we are trying to get across, come out unclear. So when the person we are communicating with tries  to decode our message, they might get confused! This person now has to decide what we are saying, and come up with an idea/feeling to communicate back. The whole process starts all over again!

What are the rules of communication? The most confusing thing is that, it is different with everyone. The rules in one family may be totally different than the rules in another. Heck, the rules differ from person to person. The trick is, is when you are decoding a message, it is important take your time. Think about what the other person is trying to say. It is truly okay to ask the other person what they mean before responding - especially when you are getting to know another person. My biggest advice? Take your time to learn others' rules of communication and give them time to learn yours, life will be a lot smoother!

I am going to go off on a bit of a tangent really quick. I love hearing stories other people tell me about how they had a spiritual experience and heard, or felt the presence of a loved one that has passed on in their life. (That sentence was weird... sorry!) Anyway, I thought that I would tell you one of those stories that I experienced just last year.

As many of you know, I have two brothers. Nick is 12 years older than me and Casey is 6 years older. Casey died six months after he was born of congenital heart defects. Around this time last year, I was starting to have a really hard time. I was going through some things that I didn't really want to talk to my roommates about. I remember I was once at a party of sorts. I was withdrawing myself from the group - and just feeling really alone. It was Casey's 25th birthday and I just thought, "Maybe I will reach out to him." I started thinking to my brother, I guess it was kind of a prayer. Two days later - on a Sunday night my lower back spazzed  out. It really hurt - like I could barely walk. My roommate told me a couple of our guy friends were coming over to play games and she asked me if I wanted them to give me a priesthood blessing. Blessings are very sacred to me, and I don't like to ask for them unless I truly feel that I need them. If I were to ask for a blessing of health every time my back hurt, I would be getting blessings every day, and that diminishes the sacredness of them for me. This whole semester I had been fending off my roommates whenever my back hurt - because I knew that whatever pain I was feeling at the time I could handle it - and I would get a blessing when I couldn't handle it anymore. Anyway, she asked me if I wanted a blessing and I thought for a second and something told me I should get one. So, when our friends came over, they gave me a blessing for my back to heal. But then they moved on in their blessing.

The friend who was giving me this blessing, started to tell me everything I needed to hear regarding what I was going through emotionally. He knew nothing about it. Not even my roommates knew anything about it. But Casey did. I felt a spiritual surge run through my body, and I knew Casey was there. I knew that Casey was whispering into my friend's ear the exact words to say - the words that would bring me comfort during a personally hard time.I remember being able to control my tears at the time, but I make no promises when I retell it. That moment in time grew my testimony in so many amazing ways. My testimony grew regarding the priesthood, and I was so grateful that the young man who gave me my blessing was worthy enough to hear what Casey needed him to tell me. My testimony grew  regarding veil that separates this world from the spiritual, and how thin it really is. Also, I truly knew that Heavenly Father listens to my heart, and my silent pleas for comfort.

I bet you are wondering, what does this have to do with communication? We need to communicate not only with the people around us, but with our Father in Heaven. He knows us better than we even know ourselves. He knows our hearts, and He sends the people who we love, and who love us, to us in our time of need. However, we have to be willing to accept the hands He reaches out to us. Talk to God. If you don't know what to say, just tell Him about your day. Believe me, once the words start flowing between you and Heavenly Father, they will be hard to stop.

Today is Casey's 26th birthday. A year ago today I was feeling alone, dark and sad. I am happy to say that my brother has told me when I need a blessing when I am being stubborn, and I know that he is always with the men who give them to me. Whether it is my Dad, friends or home teachers. I love my brothers, and even though Casey is gone, I know he will always be there for me to talk to.

Happy birthday big brother.

Coping With Crap

Lesson on how to be a complete dork: In my bedroom we have these swivel desk chairs and a common practice for me to avoid my homework is to spin around in them. Well, this time I was leaning my head back and I was perhaps too close to my bed that had my backpack on it. Long story short; my spinning was cut short by my hair getting caught in the zipper of my backpack. I started laughing like a crazy person at my own situation and started trying to get my hair un-caught, but I couldn't! For a good 20 seconds my hair was stuck in this zipper! "I can't get it out!" I told my roommate and she was on her way to help me before I set myself free from the zipper's clutches.

Okay, now that I have learned that avoiding my homework will have dire consequences not only to my hair but to my pride, on to my post!

Almost a year ago, my mother found a suspicious lump under her arm. She had it biopsied - just to make sure and the doctor told her that they would get back to her as soon as possible because she knew how worried my mom was about this one. Maybe mom was worried because that's what we Barrow women are - worriers. Or maybe it was because her sweet sister had been fighting breast cancer since 2002 and within the last year and a half had been diagnosed with metastatic disease. Nevertheless, they had her sample and were just going to make sure. 

When I got accepted to BYU-Idaho, I was assigned the Fall - Spring track. This means that I go to school mid-September to mid-December and I have January to mid-April off from school, and go back mid-April to mid-July (I know it sounds confusing but trust me, it's important to the story!). Anyway, so pretty much the day after my mom had her biopsy, (this was in January, so I was home) she was sitting in my room, on my bed like always and we were just talking. I love talking to my mom, it is quite literally my favorite pass time. She understands me like no one else and I get to be myself 100% when around her. While we were visiting (probably for the third time that day) she got a call on her cell phone. It was the doctor. My mom has her volume up really high on her phone, and naturally I am going to listen in. I hear her doctor tell her "...Unfortunately the mass is cancer..." and it felt like time was stopping. Mom got up and left the room while still on the phone and I just sat there - feeling the process of my heart falling from my chest and into my stomach. All I knew was that my mommy had cancer. How serious is it? Can they take care of it? Will she have to have a mastectomy? Does she need chemotherapy? Radiation? What if I am not here when she gets her treatment, and she needs me? What if? What if? What if?

I gathered myself up as best I could, and went to my mom's room. She sat there on her bed and finished her conversation with the doctor. Mom ended her conversation and we sat there in silence for a second. "Invasive Ductal Carcinoma" she told me. She explained that her doctor told her that if you had to get breast cancer, this was the kind you wanted. It was stage 1 (Stage 2 after she had her lumpectomy and the surgeon saw the size and found out that it had spread to one lymph node). Honestly I can't remember what happened until Dad got home. He came into the house being his usual, cheerful self, until he saw us and asked us what was wrong. We told him and he automatically hugged my mom. She cried into him and I, sitting on the floor, finally started to cry. Once it had sunk in a little and Mom told Dad everything she knew, we all immediately started to think of as many positives as we could. "I am older than Shelley when she first got diagnosed..." and on she went with the positives and the tender mercies that came along with this frightening situation. One of those tender mercies was that I was home and not in school when we found out. I am certain Heavenly Father knew that if I were at school instead of home during this hard time - I would have been freaking out. 

We all took a few days to let it sink in. Then the jokes began. In my family, we joke about serious situations to help us cope. Don't think that this diminishes the seriousness of our family crisis', or that we are in denial about what is happening - because we aren't. We all knew and accepted that mom had breast cancer. It took a few months to figure out her treatment plan and what it would do to her and we had some really - truly hard times. Lots of tears were shed. However tears weren't shed everyday. Mom decided to treat herself to a wig and some knit caps, because she heard that when you're bald your head gets cold at night. She got all of these really cute head wraps, and beanies. I got the opportunity to take her to her first chemo treatment, about three weeks before I left again for school. 

First day of Chemo! (We got See's Candy after...)

                                                       
She shaved her head before I left, because she didn't want to deal with it falling out - and really who blames her? I came home from spending a day with some friends and she was sitting on her bed, bald. Dad was sitting next to her and he said, "Look at how cute your mom is!" My mom said, "We decided I look like a q-tip!" Then we put a little red night cap on and decided she now looked like a match stick! We all laughed because it was true - she did!  

There is a lot I am leaving out because well, this is a blog post and not a book. My point here in sharing this story is how my family coped with this crisis, and also how we have coped with every other scary situation throughout my entire life. First we take it in and talk about all of the blessings we have - despite this new trial. We also talk a lot about it as a family. Something I have always appreciated is that my parents don't hide things from me, and I don't hide things from them. We always talk about how much Heavenly Father has blessed us. We don't have just one of these conversations, but many sporadically. When we aren't having our serious discussions, we are joking. Who wants to live in despair forever? Not this family! 

This describes our relationship!

Trials are going to come up in your family. It is a sad thought but there is no way around it. Sometimes when trials come up, families are put through the ringer and torn apart because they didn't have a plan beforehand. Have a plan. You know how in school, they have what feels like a million fire drills where everybody lines up outside with their class, and they are counted by the teacher to make sure nobody got lost in the mix? Do that. Talk about with your spouse how you will react to future crisis. Is my family's way the only way? No, it isn't. Do what works for your family, listen to each other, listen to their needs. Don't let anyone - including yourself - get lost in the mix. Be honest with your spouse, with your kids, and with yourself. Chances are, Heavenly Father is sending you these trials in order to prepare you for another one down the road.

We have a girl from Hong Kong in our class, and my teacher asked her to come up to the board and write the word "crisis" in Chinese. She did and it was pointed out that the word was two different symbols. The first meant "danger" and the second meant "opportunity." Don't let your family fall apart in the face of adversity. Let the crisis bring your family closer together.

Oh Yeah, we're REAL serious.

Dad is so 'fly'

One last thing: My mom recently told me that be diagnosed with cancer was a tender mercy. When she found out that she would need to around five months of chemotherapy and 6 weeks of radiation she told her oncologist about her sick sister who lived in London and asked if she would be able to travel there if she was needed. The doctor told mom that once treatment began she would not be able to leave the country and advised her plan a trip soon. Mom left for London on the 27th of February, and a week after being there (March 7th) Aunt Shelley was hospitalized for pain management. On the 9th they were told her cancer had spread and they could no longer treat it. Mom spent day and night with her until she had to come home to begin her own treatment on March 17th. My Aunt Shelley died on March 20th with my Aunt Margo at her side. My mom tells me that it was one of the greatest blessings of her life to spend that time with her sister. If she hadn't of gotten cancer, she wouldn't have been with Shelley because she didn't realize how sick Shelley actually was, at the time no one really did. 

The bottom line is that Heavenly Father blesses us in our trials. He was there with my family every step of the way lining our path with tender mercies and love. I have no doubt in my heart that He always will be.   

There is No "Fine" in Infidelity

When I was 16 years old, my Bishop asked me to give a talk to our entire congregation on the Law of Chastity. I love my Bishop - I really do, but really? I was 16! I did not want to get up there in front of the people who I have have known since I was six years old, and give them "the sex talk" - I was pretty sure they all knew sex before marriage is against The Lord's teachings. I didn't feel uncomfortable because I thought the doctrine was wrong, I felt uncomfortable because sex is an awkward topic. Especially for a 16 year old girl who has had less than zero experience with this specific topic. (Honestly, nothing has changed in the last four years...) However, I did it, with as much confidence as an awkward little 16 year old could muster. I obviously made it through alive. This specific blog post is not 100% about 'not having sex before you are married'. At the same time, however, I find myself having to talk about a subject that is hard. I am not sure how easy it will be for me to make light of this subject, because of its importance and sacred nature.

A lot of people think that infidelity only happens when one spouse has sexual relations with  someone from outside of their marriage. Although this act is against what Christ teaches us, and it is heart wrenching for the spouse, sex outside of the marriage is not the only form of infidelity. Let's pause and think about what "fidelity" means. I looked up synonyms for this word (you can find them all here) and the many words that stood out to me were, devotion, loyalty, faith and integrity. Fidelity to your spouse is not just being committed to them in the bedroom, but in every single aspect of your lives.

There are different forms of infidelity. One is through thoughts. Now, is it okay to acknowledged another person's good looks? Sure! In my opinion, it is not detrimental to a marriage if one spouse says to the other, "Hey look at that person, they're really cute," and leave it at that. The problem is when you allow yourself to linger on those thoughts. When you fantasize about that person outside of your marriage, wishing you were with them instead of with your spouse - that is a form of infidelity.

Another type of infidelity to be cautious of, is visual. Pornography, ogling the people around you and sexually explicit literature can all be forms of  visual infidelity. One problem with pornography and sexual literature is it can give the viewer false thoughts on what their spouse should look and act like. Get ready for a generalization: Men tend to lean toward pornography and women tend to lean toward sexual literature (Romantic Novels). The more pornography a man views, the more conditioned he becomes to believe that sex is something he should get all the time, no matter what. He starts to believe that women are always supposed to have a certain body type and image, that normal women are supposed to be "sexed up" in order to be appealing. Once they start to believe this, they might not find their wife attractive, and could start to seek sexual satisfaction elsewhere. Women are more likely to read "romantic novels" where hot men are kind and considerate to the heroine 100% of the time, filling both her emotional and sexual needs. These women start to become conditioned too, wishing that their husbands were more like the men they read about in their books. Women in pornography, and men in sexual literature are not real. They are all characters, made up so that companies can sell movies, pictures, magazines and books. There is nothing better, than the real thing.

The last form of infidelity (I am sure there are more) I am going to talk about, is romantic infidelity. This one is a little harder to recognize. We are around people all day, everyday. Whether it be at work, school, Church, the play ground with our kids - even on social. Sometimes, we just can't avoid being alone with the opposite sex. I am not saying that humans are animals, and if they are alone they will automatically get physically intimate. However, what I am saying, is that people do talk. What is so harmful about conversion? Well, there is nothing wrong with chatting. "Hey my kid's softball team won the championships!" "Awesome! Tell the little guy congrats!" Not a big deal. However when you cross the line of friendly banter into more intimate conversation, is when you need to tread lightly. It is simply not appropriate to share you personal feelings, dreams, insecurities, and so on, with someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse. When you do that with someone else, you make begin to compare how they treat you feelings, with how your spouse treats your feelings, "Why can't my husband listen to me like Joe at the office does..." Then, you begin to develop inappropriate feelings. I am sure some of you are thinking, "Oh please, there is nothing wrong with have opposite-gender friends. I am a woman (or man) of the 21st century, I can control myself!" Think about it this way, would you rather have an intimate friendship, or an intimate, lasting marriage? Never let yourself be alone with someone who is not your spouse. Nothing will happen right off the bat, but the more time and energy you put into that relationship, the less time there will be for your own marriage. I understand that no marriage is perfect, and sometimes we just need to vent to a good friend. However be careful when you choose that friend. Make sure you pick someone who knows and loves you both so that you can get an honest response to your venting.

70% of marriages who have a spouse that has cheated, stay married. Personally, I think that is amazing and I applaud these couples. I have a testimony of the Atonement, and that Christ suffered and died for our sins, so that we can repent and become better human beings. Infidelity - in any form - is so betraying and hard, and it is very hard for me to tell you all that if your spouse cheats on you - forgive right away. I don't think Christ would tell you to do that. If your spouse wants to repent and wants to work on the marriage with Christ in the middle of it, then that might be an indicator that they are really heartbroken over what they have done. My biggest advice - because I know that every situation is 100% different - is that you keep the commandments, you keep your covenants, and you stay loyal to not only your spouse, but to Heavenly Father. One thing I truly believe is that no matter how messy and confusing things get on this earth, Heavenly Father will sort everything out in the Spirit World to give those who follow His commandments and gospel principles every blessing He can.

I have tried with all my other posts, to make them fun, and entertaining (hopefully I have been successful!). I know this post was no fun. I wanted to give this topic the reverence that it deserves, because there are real people out there, hurting at the hand of infidelity.

Be smart with your relationships, the way you spend your time, and try your hardest to make sure that Christ is at the center of your marriage.

"Mawwiage"

Last Friday in my 7:45 am parenting class, I walked in and instead of all the desks facing towards the front of the room they were all turned toward the center of the room. As I walked in, I tried to figure out where I could sit that would resemble the desk I usually choose every day (fourth row in, third seat down). I choose a seat on the right side of the classroom, fourth row in, second seat down. I listened to my classmates as they entered the room where a few of them vocalized their confusion. "Where do I sit...?" They would ask themselves. If they didn't vocalize it, their faces sure expressed it. One girl that I sit next to everyday walked in and I kid you not, this is what she said, "Oh my Gosh... where do I go? I am so confused! What do I do? Where do I GO?" I thought that my teacher had a reason for rearranging the seats like this, but he openly admitted to walking into class that morning, seeing the seats and thinking, "Eh, what the heck?" However, I think it caused a little more chaos than he predicted! Change is hard you guys. Any kind of change. Everything from the arrangement of seats in a classroom, to a regular faculty meeting being cancelled, to getting married and moving in with a completely new person.

Please know, that I am completely aware that I am not married. Most of the observations I make will be coming from the readings that I read this week, and the great discussions that I got to be a part of in my class, along with situations that were brought up by newly married individuals in my class. So, if I say something and the thought, "Well that is completely wrong," pops into your head, just remember I am making hard core generalizations in this blog entry.

Going to Brigham Young University - Idaho, I meet a lot of married people. The majority of them have gotten married within the last few years. It is inevitable here! There are married people all over the place! I look at them all, and think about how perfect they all seem. So cute, eating their little picnic lunches together. However, just because they all seem totally perfect on the outside, as a couple, they are going through serious changes - especially if they haven't been married for that long.

First of all, if the couple wasn't going to school at the time of marriage, where are they going to live? Closer to her family, his family, or somewhere different entirely? There are issues of different levels of cleanliness, combining different schedules, diets, and ways of sleeping (I personally worry about this with my future husband, because I like to wrap myself into a tight cocoon... Emily don't share no blankets.)  Those are just a few of the new adjustments. A really huge change would be finances. Are we going to have separate accounts, or joint? How are we going to budget? Is there going to be one person in charge of money, or will it be a shared responsibility? Then there is the dreaded change: the holidays... In my family, my parents were lucky enough to be from the same area. So we would spend Christmas Eve with my Dad's family, and Christmas Morning with my Mom's family. So I have never really watched the struggle between the different sides. However it apparently happens - a lot. I have heard some stories from classmates who tell us that they and their spouse, who have only been married a few months - have been going back and forth about where to go for the holidays. In my opinion, all of these changes are hard to deal with at first - it can especially be crazy-frustrating.

So why get married, right? It sounds like a complete inconvenience. Again I say, Emily doesn't share her blankets.

However, like I have said many times before on this blog, Heavenly Father made men and women to be together. He made us so that we complete the other. These first few months of marriage will be really hard, because both you and your new partner are trying to figure out how to sit in their exact same spot in the classroom, when it just isn't possible anymore. Marriage will change your life forever, and do not think that your first few months or annoyances, frustrations, and changes will be a small part of your marriage. There are plenty of people who went through the same changes you are going through, and are still together today, stronger and even more in love than the day they tied the knot.

I am not telling you, my four readers (including my mother of course), that the first few months of your marriage will be the hardest and once you get past that, it is time for 'happily ever after' to officially start. Trial after trial will occur in your marriage. However, it could be the communication skills you begin to develop within the first year of your marriage that could very well save your marriage as the years and hardships come your way. So don't give up. Work with your spouse. Share what is frustrating you (lovingly of course) and work out a compromise that will make you both happy.

One last thing before I wrap up. Another change that will happen is, when you have your first baby. Roles change and shift that might put a little more pressure on your marriage. The woman might feel like her husband doesn't want to be involved with the baby, and the husband might feel left out in the cold because his wife can't seem to give enough attention to him. Of course each parent loves this babe with all of their hearts, but it can still be a bit of strain on the marriage. So moms - make your husband feel the most involved you can when you are pregnant and teach him what you learn about infant care as you learn. Remember to snuggle with him when the baby goes down for the night for a few minutes before you fall into a deep sleep.  Dads, give your wife some room to breathe, be understanding and let her know that you love her and miss her.  Help out with a few of her chores so she can have a break once in a while. Intimate, quality time between husband and wife is important in a marriage - don't overlook it.

I guess the moral of the story is, is don't be afraid to talk about how you will do certain things once you are married - especially if you are just 'courting' and things are starting to get more and more serious. There can never be enough loving, tactful communication in your marriage. I know I was talking mostly to you newlyweds, but these principles are eternal, and know no age.

Don't give up on your marriage because you hit a few bumps in the road. Talk to each other! Love, compromise and follow Heavenly Father's plan for you, because I guarantee that when you do that - you will not be spared from trials - but He will line your path with wonderful blessings.

Who knows? With the right guy who I love? Maybe Emily will share her blankets.